This is an issue I think on a lot. Not because I live it in my current relationship but I have in the past. There is such a fine line between being a Dom and taking on the title to use as an excuse to be abusive. These are just people and yes I say people because women can be just as abusive as any man. So this goes both ways.
Let’s see how Dictionary.com describes the difference between the two and then we can delve deeper.
1) to use wrongly or improperly.
2) to treat in a harmful; injurious; or offensive way.
1) to rule; exercise control; predominate.
2) to rule over; govern; control.
3) to occupy a commanding or elevated position.
I know some of you are wondering what the difference is between the two and on the outside they look very much the same. But bear with me here and I will try to break it down for those of you that don’t live the BDSM dynamic.
I can tackle the difference in one word…CONSENT.
1) to permit, approve, or agree; comply or yield.
2) to agree in sentiment, opinion, etc.; be in harmony.
3) permission, approval, or agreement; compliance; acquiescence.
4) agreement in sentiment, opinion; course of action, etc.
Abusers neither need nor look for consent. I know this by experience. That is a very dark and lonely place that no one should ever have to cope with. There is no safe word and I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion or to even think for myself. For many years…15 to be exact, I lost total sight of who I was. Everything centered on my abuser. His moods…his wants…his needs, etc. Then one day I woke up and called it quits. Not an easy thing to do. He left to work and I ran for my life…literally. That was the beginning of me finding the person I used to be before I allowed someone to have that much power over my being.
A good Dom doesn’t try to crush his sub. He cherishes that fact that his sub trusts him enough to give over total control. A sub in my opinion shouldn’t fear the Dom she is committed to. Never give a Dom that much power if you don’t feel like you can trust that person. But also remember he only has as much power as you are willing to give him. And if he refuses to respect your boundaries I would really rethink the dynamic. Respect should flow both ways. You are a sub but you do hold power in the relationship or at least that is the way it should be. Not to say everyone is the same. As long as you both agree then that is consent. What you agree upon is your personal prerogative. There is no wrong or right way as long as you agree and play safe. Those are the only true rules that should be lived by.
I would like to tell you a little about my Dom Lord Unicron…he is an amazing person and not just a Don to me.
Why do I trust him…let me count the ways. LOL!
For one he worries about me more than I do and is there anytime I need him. Day or night. That is the honest truth and I thrive in our relationship. He helps be become a better me and that is what it is all about.
He knows my likes, dislikes and my absolute NO’S. He respects me in ways I have never experienced before. He touches a part of my soul no one has ever touched because I kept that naughty kitten chained up tight. He gives me permission to be free and not worry about the thought of rejection. Our relationship enlightens my existence.
In my vanilla life I am a very strong woman that raised four kids and owns her own business. So I can stand on my own two feet and don’t need anyone to hold my hand but it is amazing when you find that person that can compliment your life perfectly and Lord Unicron does that for me. I will be eternally grateful for his dominance when he or I need it but his kindness is more than I have ever known.
The long conversations where we talk about everything and nothing are looked forward to each day.
Now don’t get me wrong its not rainbows and butterflies everyday. I get in my fare share of trouble…you know what I mean. LOL! And sometimes I like it. But he rules with a strong hand and a kind soul. I cherish how much he gives to me selflessly no matter the situation.
He keeps my life interesting as well. Very rarely a dull moment. He pushes my boundaries in the most scary and delightful ways. And in the end I come out the other side feeling empowered by my accomplishments.
Even during punishments I know in the end he will be there to help dry the tears or pick up the pieces so to speak with love and tenderness. But don’t forget as a sub we enjoy being on the receiving end of the punishment almost as much as a Dom likes doling it out. Again it goes back to consent. If both parties agree and you play safe they are your rules to make.
I will leave you with this…
My Dom gives me love, discipline, support, structure and protection. And I love him for it.
I think a good Dom should have this with his sub or subs whichever is the case. If both side’s needs are met it is a relationship that should thrive and grow into something beautiful.
That’s all this Kitten has for you this week. Hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a comment! I would love to hear about your Dom and Sub relationships.