What a Submissive Isn’t

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Lets just start with we are not damsels in distress…so please stop trying to save us. We aren’t tied to the train tracks screaming for help. I can guarantee you that if we are tied to the tracks we are just where we want to be and loving every moment of it.

The Sub stereotype of being mistreated really rubs me the wrong way. We aren’t scared little girls in need of a hero.

And then there is the Dom stereotype of being an abuser. They aren’t bad guys lurking in alleys waiting to grab the first unsuspecting woman that comes along.

As sad as it is…this is our reality. Not in the sense that we practice these types of things but because vanilla society refuses to try to educate themselves on our lifestyle. Before they make a judgment on who we are and what we practice they should find info on how things in the BDSM lifestyle really work. Most would be very surprised on what they find.

That is the reason I write blogs and journal entries like these. Not to complain but to get as much good info out there as we can. I also think part of the problem is that we keep so tight to our circles that outsiders don’t see how we interact. Now don’t get me wrong I know why we do this and I totally get it. But maybe if vanilla people realized how many people they come across each day that live the BDSM lifestyle and how normal we all are it would change.

As scary as it is to think about being so open and the consequences that come with those actions maybe we need to be bolder. Every once in awhile I say something that lets the cat out of the bag. I did it just the other day. I was at the ER and a guy asked to sit next to me and referred to me not biting. I replied only if I’m asked to. His eyebrows rose and he replied hell yeah. I know not all of us can do this for various reasons…family…job…etc. And I’m one of them for good reason. And shame isn’t why. All the people in my life that are not judgmental know. That includes my mother. But not all of us have this brick wall closing us in. So maybe we should speak out and educate the vanilla public on the facts. We aren’t crazy or monsters waiting to attach. What we do in our bedroom is no different than the choices they make in theirs. And the people that practice the BDSM lifestyle might surprise you. We are moms, dads, doctors, lawyers, judges, etc. Not some crazy maniac waiting in the darkness to attach unsuspecting victims at will.

I’ll get off my soapbox and get to what I really wanted this blog to be about.

What a Submissive ISN’T…

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We aren’t weak at all. In fact most subs are some of the strongest people out there. They run their own businesses and most are alphas by day. A weak sub won’t find a good Dom that is the slightest bit interested. Doms don’t want someone that will bend to their every whim. They want someone that will bend because they choose to. A Dom gets nothing from a weak sub. Dominance is a challenge and with a weak sub that challenge is lost.

You will find I’m a very strong and independent person. I would never allow anyone to come in and take over my life. By day I run my own business and after my day is done I want to turn over the reins to someone I trust to meet my needs and I strive to meet his. A sub does have some say so in the dynamic. And yes they do as their Dom says but that is after everything is negotiated and a trust bond is formed. Even then we can say no if we feel the need.

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Subs aren’t mindless beings that need someone to tell them when…how…and where to do things. Most subs are highly educated go-getters. They have high power jobs and don’t need someone to lead the way. This idea is a total misconception.

I’m an educated person and make my ideas well known. Like with this blog post for example. A mindless sub couldn’t step out and voice their thoughts and opinions. Being a sub does not stop you from being you. It just enhances you in many wonderful ways. I’m no ones robot.

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Being a sub isn’t a mental illness any more than having vanilla sex is a mental illness. There have been studies that have proven that it isn’t a mental illness. If you have a therapist that says it is then you need to find a new one that knows their stuff about the BDSM lifestyle. And yes they are out there.

I have suffered with depression my whole life. I do what I need to do keep it under control. But let me say that I had this issue when I led a vanilla lifestyle and it has eased sense I have accepted who I am and what makes me happy. Did BDSM make me better? No, but allowing myself to just go with what makes me happy has been a beautiful thing. It was about the acceptance of myself not the lifestyle. I would never tell someone that BDSM will change their life for the better. It won’t treat your mental issues.

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Being a sub has nothing to do with low self-esteem. We are some of the most confident and strong willed people you will meet. Most subs would be totally offended by this statement. It says we are just weak doormats that can’t love ourselves. This is so far from the truth.

I admit at times I get down on myself but I think we all do. But to be really honest I hold myself in high esteem. I know that I am talented…a good mother…a great sub, etc. Not that I’m tooting my own horn but I don’t put myself down and berate myself constantly. So low self-esteem isn’t a good quality for a sub. We need to be strong, confident and in control of our outlook on ourselves. Doms don’t like weak women that constantly need to be reassured that we are okay. They want a woman that holds her head high and carries herself with confidence.

 

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Now this one I will break down a bit. What the average person’s idea on abuse is can be very different than the way a sub looks at this topic.

Most subs know the difference between abuse and dominance. With abuse there is no safe word and no negotiations. Abusers don’t care about the person they control by force. They take what they want and don’t care who they hurt in the process. A good Dom doesn’t act this way. If yours does then there is a serious problem. You need to rethink the dynamic. This is not the actions of a good Dom.

An educated sub knows that they have options and can change their minds. Now I’m not saying to abuse your safe word but knowing you have one and it will be respected is key. One of the biggest ways to avoid abuse it to play with people you know. Never trust someone you just met to tie you up and then be at their mercy. That is just common sense but it is worth saying.

For me abuse can happen in a lot of different ways. If you are not respected or you don’t get options well that is abuse. If your safe word is ignored then that is a huge red flag. No one should be in fear at any time in a D’s relationship. It should be a very trusting and nurturing experience. Not one you dread.

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A D’s relationship is about a power exchange. We decide who…when…where. And we also decide on who we will give this power over to. To say a sub is powerless is a vanilla way of seeing things with blinders on. A good Dom only has as much power as the sub is willing to give up. Don’t get confused about the sub listening and following their Dom’s directions. No, that is after a Dom has proven himself to be worthy and the sub trust him to her very soul. Just remember it is a power exhange and those two words say it all.

My closing thoughts…

I thrive with a good Dom at my side. But I have to have a Dom that I can trust whole-heartedly. If the trust isn’t there then I move on. See I make the decision on the Dom I choose to trust and let into my bed. But I also enjoy my total submission to the right Dom. It is a fifty-fifty decision until a meeting of the minds happens. Then the beauty of submission begins.

Play Safe,

SK

1Smittinkittinn

 

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The Thin Line Of Dominance And Abuse

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This is an issue I think on a lot. Not because I live it in my current relationship but I have in the past. There is such a fine line between being a Dom and taking on the title to use as an excuse to be abusive. These are just people and yes I say people because women can be just as abusive as any man. So this goes both ways.

 

Let’s see how Dictionary.com describes the difference between the two and then we can delve deeper.

 

Abuse:

1)     to use wrongly or improperly.

2)     to treat in a harmful; injurious; or offensive way.

 

Dominate:

1)     to rule; exercise control; predominate.

2)     to rule over; govern; control.

3)     to occupy a commanding or elevated position.

 

I know some of you are wondering what the difference is between the two and on the outside they look very much the same. But bear with me here and I will try to break it down for those of you that don’t live the BDSM dynamic.

 

I can tackle the difference in one word…CONSENT.

 

Consent:

1)     to permit, approve, or agree; comply or yield.

2)     to agree in sentiment, opinion, etc.; be in harmony.

3)     permission, approval, or agreement; compliance; acquiescence.

4)     agreement in sentiment, opinion; course of action, etc.

 

Abusers neither need nor look for consent. I know this by experience. That is a very dark and lonely place that no one should ever have to cope with. There is no safe word and I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion or to even think for myself. For many years…15 to be exact, I lost total sight of who I was. Everything centered on my abuser. His moods…his wants…his needs, etc. Then one day I woke up and called it quits. Not an easy thing to do. He left to work and I ran for my life…literally. That was the beginning of me finding the person I used to be before I allowed someone to have that much power over my being.

 

A good Dom doesn’t try to crush his sub. He cherishes that fact that his sub trusts him enough to give over total control. A sub in my opinion shouldn’t fear the Dom she is committed to. Never give a Dom that much power if you don’t feel like you can trust that person. But also remember he only has as much power as you are willing to give him. And if he refuses to respect your boundaries I would really rethink the dynamic. Respect should flow both ways. You are a sub but you do hold power in the relationship or at least that is the way it should be. Not to say everyone is the same. As long as you both agree then that is consent. What you agree upon is your personal prerogative. There is no wrong or right way as long as you agree and play safe. Those are the only true rules that should be lived by.

 

I would like to tell you a little about my Dom Lord Unicron…he is an amazing person and not just a Don to me.

 

Why do I trust him…let me count the ways. LOL!

 

For one he worries about me more than I do and is there anytime I need him. Day or night. That is the honest truth and I thrive in our relationship. He helps be become a better me and that is what it is all about.

 

He knows my likes, dislikes and my absolute NO’S. He respects me in ways I have never experienced before. He touches a part of my soul no one has ever touched because I kept that naughty kitten chained up tight. He gives me permission to be free and not worry about the thought of rejection. Our relationship enlightens my existence.

 

In my vanilla life I am a very strong woman that raised four kids and owns her own business. So I can stand on my own two feet and don’t need anyone to hold my hand but it is amazing when you find that person that can compliment your life perfectly and Lord Unicron does that for me. I will be eternally grateful for his dominance when he or I need it but his kindness is more than I have ever known.

 

The long conversations where we talk about everything and nothing are looked forward to each day.

 

Now don’t get me wrong its not rainbows and butterflies everyday. I get in my fare share of trouble…you know what I mean. LOL! And sometimes I like it. But he rules with a strong hand and a kind soul. I cherish how much he gives to me selflessly no matter the situation.

 

He keeps my life interesting as well. Very rarely a dull moment. He pushes my boundaries in the most scary and delightful ways. And in the end I come out the other side feeling empowered by my accomplishments.

 

Even during punishments I know in the end he will be there to help dry the tears or pick up the pieces so to speak with love and tenderness. But don’t forget as a sub we enjoy being on the receiving end of the punishment almost as much as a Dom likes doling it out. Again it goes back to consent. If both parties agree and you play safe they are your rules to make.

I will leave you with this…

 

My Dom gives me love, discipline, support, structure and protection. And I love him for it.

 

I think a good Dom should have this with his sub or subs whichever is the case. If both side’s needs are met it is a relationship that should thrive and grow into something beautiful.

 

That’s all this Kitten has for you this week. Hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a comment! I would love to hear about your Dom and Sub relationships.

 

Smittinn Kittinn

Smittinkittinn is a Submissive

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Kitten is a submissive. Lord Unicron is her guide on this journey to find her place in the BDSM world. In her normal everyday life she is a very strong woman that runs her own Graphic Design business and strives for perfection in everything she does. Sometime too much.

Kitten also writes erotic paranormal suspense novels. Even in her writing she pushes her characters to the very edge of darkness. A strong alpha male is always at the center of every story she writes.

She thrives on the relationship between her and Lord Unicron. She can be herself around him. No worries of being made to feel her urges and needs are not normal or are wrong. He encourages her to share all her deep dark secrets and reassures her none of her secret thoughts or needs is anything to feel ashamed of or self-conscious about. She has hidden her needs for way too long and with Lord Unicron she can finally let the tigress out of her cage.

I’m Kitten and as far as who I am in the BDSM world, it’s still up for debate. I know in my heart of hearts I am a sub. This just comes naturally to me. I think it comes from having to be a strong go-getter that makes taking on the sub role so easy. In my down time I don’t want to be in charge. I need to turn the reins over to someone else. I have been very lucky to find Unicron. He helps guide me and teach me the way of submission. I am a treasure to Unicron but don’t for one second think he is a push over in any form. He rules with a stern hand and a caring heart.

Pleasing Unicron brings me great joy. Please know I’m not a damsel in distress that needs to be saved. I’ve chosen this lifestyle of my own free will. No one in Unicron’s house is mistreated or abused in any way. He is kind and worries about his three girls more than we worry about our selves. How he balances three is beyond me but I am thankful everyday that he is part of my world. And yes he has become a huge part of my world.

Then there are the other women in the house. (Sparrow and Skwirly) Most women would be jealous and I’m sure we all have our moments, but for the most part we love each other very much. I don’t see competition. I see sisters that talk often and care deeply for each other. But the three of us respect each other’s time with Unicron. And because of that we seem to be able to make it work.

Below you can see test results from the BDSM Test. Gives a little insight into who I am.

Test results

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==

98% Submissive

98% Rope Bunny

80% Voyeur

72% Experimentalist

65% Masochist

53% Slave

52% Primal (Prey)

46% Non-monogamist

25% Exhibitionist

14% Vanilla

13% Brat

8% Girl/Boy

7% Pet

4% Degradee

1% Rigger

1% Primal (Hunter)

1% Switch

0% Dominant

0% Sadist

0% Master/Mistress

0% Degrader

0% Brat Tamer

0% Daddy/Mommy

0% Owner

0% Ageplayer

See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=1630595

I know some may think Kitten… so original. Right? I didn’t take the name on to be cute but because it falls right into place with who I am. I have always found cats to be very sensual, intelligent and strong forces of nature. And I would like to think I possess some of those admiral traits. Plus I resonate strongly as primal. This fits me perfectly. I look for a partner that I can lose total control with and let the animal side of me loose. This kitty has claws and will bite. To be able to release this side of me is very freeing. Not everyone is as lucky as I am to find a man that accepts me for who I am and not what he wants me to be. This is who I am and now I feel I have the right to be the primal sex Kitten I have always felt I was and no more hiding for this kitty. She is sharpening her claws and is ready to pounce.

Don’t forget to stop by Covert and Carnal for all your erotic needs. We have something for everyone’s taste. Here is a beautiful collar for that special someone.

I just love this collar.

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Visit our site for many other products to spice things up.

Please come by every Saturday as I share my journey with our readers. Feel free to leave comments or ask questions. I look forward to all reader’s comments and will check in periodically.

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Until Next Saturday,

Smittinkittinn