What a Submissive Isn’t

Untitled

Lets just start with we are not damsels in distress…so please stop trying to save us. We aren’t tied to the train tracks screaming for help. I can guarantee you that if we are tied to the tracks we are just where we want to be and loving every moment of it.

The Sub stereotype of being mistreated really rubs me the wrong way. We aren’t scared little girls in need of a hero.

And then there is the Dom stereotype of being an abuser. They aren’t bad guys lurking in alleys waiting to grab the first unsuspecting woman that comes along.

As sad as it is…this is our reality. Not in the sense that we practice these types of things but because vanilla society refuses to try to educate themselves on our lifestyle. Before they make a judgment on who we are and what we practice they should find info on how things in the BDSM lifestyle really work. Most would be very surprised on what they find.

That is the reason I write blogs and journal entries like these. Not to complain but to get as much good info out there as we can. I also think part of the problem is that we keep so tight to our circles that outsiders don’t see how we interact. Now don’t get me wrong I know why we do this and I totally get it. But maybe if vanilla people realized how many people they come across each day that live the BDSM lifestyle and how normal we all are it would change.

As scary as it is to think about being so open and the consequences that come with those actions maybe we need to be bolder. Every once in awhile I say something that lets the cat out of the bag. I did it just the other day. I was at the ER and a guy asked to sit next to me and referred to me not biting. I replied only if I’m asked to. His eyebrows rose and he replied hell yeah. I know not all of us can do this for various reasons…family…job…etc. And I’m one of them for good reason. And shame isn’t why. All the people in my life that are not judgmental know. That includes my mother. But not all of us have this brick wall closing us in. So maybe we should speak out and educate the vanilla public on the facts. We aren’t crazy or monsters waiting to attach. What we do in our bedroom is no different than the choices they make in theirs. And the people that practice the BDSM lifestyle might surprise you. We are moms, dads, doctors, lawyers, judges, etc. Not some crazy maniac waiting in the darkness to attach unsuspecting victims at will.

I’ll get off my soapbox and get to what I really wanted this blog to be about.

What a Submissive ISN’T…

1Untitled

We aren’t weak at all. In fact most subs are some of the strongest people out there. They run their own businesses and most are alphas by day. A weak sub won’t find a good Dom that is the slightest bit interested. Doms don’t want someone that will bend to their every whim. They want someone that will bend because they choose to. A Dom gets nothing from a weak sub. Dominance is a challenge and with a weak sub that challenge is lost.

You will find I’m a very strong and independent person. I would never allow anyone to come in and take over my life. By day I run my own business and after my day is done I want to turn over the reins to someone I trust to meet my needs and I strive to meet his. A sub does have some say so in the dynamic. And yes they do as their Dom says but that is after everything is negotiated and a trust bond is formed. Even then we can say no if we feel the need.

11Untitled

Subs aren’t mindless beings that need someone to tell them when…how…and where to do things. Most subs are highly educated go-getters. They have high power jobs and don’t need someone to lead the way. This idea is a total misconception.

I’m an educated person and make my ideas well known. Like with this blog post for example. A mindless sub couldn’t step out and voice their thoughts and opinions. Being a sub does not stop you from being you. It just enhances you in many wonderful ways. I’m no ones robot.

2Untitled

Being a sub isn’t a mental illness any more than having vanilla sex is a mental illness. There have been studies that have proven that it isn’t a mental illness. If you have a therapist that says it is then you need to find a new one that knows their stuff about the BDSM lifestyle. And yes they are out there.

I have suffered with depression my whole life. I do what I need to do keep it under control. But let me say that I had this issue when I led a vanilla lifestyle and it has eased sense I have accepted who I am and what makes me happy. Did BDSM make me better? No, but allowing myself to just go with what makes me happy has been a beautiful thing. It was about the acceptance of myself not the lifestyle. I would never tell someone that BDSM will change their life for the better. It won’t treat your mental issues.

3

Being a sub has nothing to do with low self-esteem. We are some of the most confident and strong willed people you will meet. Most subs would be totally offended by this statement. It says we are just weak doormats that can’t love ourselves. This is so far from the truth.

I admit at times I get down on myself but I think we all do. But to be really honest I hold myself in high esteem. I know that I am talented…a good mother…a great sub, etc. Not that I’m tooting my own horn but I don’t put myself down and berate myself constantly. So low self-esteem isn’t a good quality for a sub. We need to be strong, confident and in control of our outlook on ourselves. Doms don’t like weak women that constantly need to be reassured that we are okay. They want a woman that holds her head high and carries herself with confidence.

 

5Untitled

Now this one I will break down a bit. What the average person’s idea on abuse is can be very different than the way a sub looks at this topic.

Most subs know the difference between abuse and dominance. With abuse there is no safe word and no negotiations. Abusers don’t care about the person they control by force. They take what they want and don’t care who they hurt in the process. A good Dom doesn’t act this way. If yours does then there is a serious problem. You need to rethink the dynamic. This is not the actions of a good Dom.

An educated sub knows that they have options and can change their minds. Now I’m not saying to abuse your safe word but knowing you have one and it will be respected is key. One of the biggest ways to avoid abuse it to play with people you know. Never trust someone you just met to tie you up and then be at their mercy. That is just common sense but it is worth saying.

For me abuse can happen in a lot of different ways. If you are not respected or you don’t get options well that is abuse. If your safe word is ignored then that is a huge red flag. No one should be in fear at any time in a D’s relationship. It should be a very trusting and nurturing experience. Not one you dread.

4Untitled

A D’s relationship is about a power exchange. We decide who…when…where. And we also decide on who we will give this power over to. To say a sub is powerless is a vanilla way of seeing things with blinders on. A good Dom only has as much power as the sub is willing to give up. Don’t get confused about the sub listening and following their Dom’s directions. No, that is after a Dom has proven himself to be worthy and the sub trust him to her very soul. Just remember it is a power exhange and those two words say it all.

My closing thoughts…

I thrive with a good Dom at my side. But I have to have a Dom that I can trust whole-heartedly. If the trust isn’t there then I move on. See I make the decision on the Dom I choose to trust and let into my bed. But I also enjoy my total submission to the right Dom. It is a fifty-fifty decision until a meeting of the minds happens. Then the beauty of submission begins.

Play Safe,

SK

1Smittinkittinn

 

Advertisements

Thoughts On The Orlando Massacre

by Lord Unicron

I was going to explain my absence of late, but this is neither the time nor place for that. We’ll get to it soon..but not today.

Today, I am thinking with a heavy heart of the people who were murdered by an extremist in the name of an ideology that teaches hatred of The Other.

In the wee hours of this morning Eastern time, people who gathered at a place where they could be themselves and bask in a sense of community and belonging were attacked. The attacker did not know his victims. He did not see them as human. They were simply objects, things, a direct threat and contradiction to his ideology of hatred and fear to be removed.

50 have died. At least 53 more were injured.

WHY???

Because they had the audacity to be different. Because they were born a certain way. Because they sought refuge, community and love with one another. Because they gathered together to dance, celebrate and be who they were without fear.

And to the gunman, Omar Sadiqqi Mateen, this simple, nonviolent act that plays out nightly in cities around the world justified their death.

At Covert and Carnal, we believe passionately in the right of everyone to consensually seek love and joy where and with whom they can, whether you’re cisgendered, transgendered, LGBT+, hetero, kinky or vanilla. It doesn’t matter your color, creed, ethnicity, gender or religion. It doesn’t matter what deity or deities you worship. Everyone has the right to seek out the pleasures that define and free them to be the best people they can possibly be.

I have gay relatives and friends. I am on excellent terms with a number of bi- and bi-curious people of all gender associations and orientations, and am proud to know them all. They do no harm. They are model citizens. They go to work, school, raise and tend their families with love and compassion and serve their country and communities with honor, dignity and understanding, even when that same honor and dignity is denied to them because through an accident of birth, they were born “Other.”

THERE IS NO “OTHER.”

In the book Spock’s World, Diane Duane wrote, “The spear in the Other’s heart is the spear in your own. YOU ARE HE [emphasis added].” Today we have seen that. The media footage of people like Chris Hansen, who didn’t set out to be a hero but became one by helping to carry a gunshot victim out of the Pulse Nightclub and into a waiting vehicle to get emergency treatment for his wounds, is absolute proof positive of it. The people standing in line, 1,500 strong and growing, to donate blood at an Orlando blood bank, is further confirmation.

These are people, human beings, showing the best of the human spirit in the face of the worst of it.

It happened in Orlando. And it can happen anywhere else, too. I am keenly aware of this.

I am not “The Other”…but someday I could be.

Because of my kinks. Because of my lifestyle. Because I worship or don’t worship this iteration of Divinity or that. Because I’m a ginger. Because I’m white. Because I’m tolerant of others who AREN’T carbon copies of me. Someone may well look at me and the way I live my life, and decide that I am unworthy to continue living it because someone else’s god decreed it so.

It could happen to me. And it could happen to you too.

I do not say this to inspire fear, but vigilance. I do not wish to inspire dread, but hope. We all need to be aware that because we are “Other,” our very “Otherness” could make us targets at some point. We should not discount what happened in Orlando as a random event or something that only happens to “The Other” in some far-off place that doesn’t touch or concern us.

I’m sure many people in Orlando believed that too, and today, as the mourning begins and turns to outrage and fury, they have learned differently.

Wherever you are, whatever your kink, lifestyle or orientation, I ask you to think of those slain and wounded in Orlando and recognize that no matter where you fall on the kink, gender or sexuality spectrum, these are first and foremost our brothers and sisters. These are human beings, some of whom met a tragic and violent end for no reason other than one person’s espousal of a perverse faith that demands absolute compliance from its faithful and the death of those who do not believe as they believe. Any ideology taken to its furthest extreme is toxic and destructive, and the toll in innocent blood must not be overlooked or dismissed as something that “they brought upon themselves.”

I grieve for the fallen, although I did not know any of them. I celebrate the heroism that many of these people demonstrated in the face of the unthinkable brought to hideous life. I mourn with the families and friends of the victims, knowing full well that mere words cannot and will not mend the holes shaped like their loved ones that this despicable and disgraceful act has torn in their lives. I honor those who resisted, ran and tried to fight back as well as the law enforcement and emergency personnel who responded to the scene. I ache for those who, having witnessed these horrors, must now try to rebuild their lives and reconcile with a new and terrifying reality.

Benjamin Franklin said, “We must all hang together, or we will assuredly hang separately.”

Today I, and House Unicron, hang with the people of Orlando and especially those in the LGBT+ and kink communities. Let us never forget that what befell them could happen anywhere, to anyone, at any time. But more importantly, let us never forget that love and the human spirit will always defeat hatred in the end.

You don’t know me, Orlando. But I have heard your cries. And I, like so many others, stand with you.

Today, you are not “The Other.” You are my brothers and sisters, and I honor you as such.

Best,

Lord Unicron

Head and Lord of House Unicron