What a Submissive Isn’t

Lets just start with we are not damsels in distress…so please stop trying to save us. We aren’t tied to the train tracks screaming for help. I can guarantee you that if we are tied to the tracks we are just where we want to be and loving every moment of it.

The Sub stereotype of being mistreated really rubs me the wrong way. We aren’t scared little girls in need of a hero.

And then there is the Dom stereotype of being an abuser. They aren’t bad guys lurking in alleys waiting to grab the first unsuspecting woman that comes along.

As sad as it is…this is our reality. Not in the sense that we practice these types of things but because vanilla society refuses to try to educate themselves on our lifestyle. Before they make a judgment on who we are and what we practice they should find info on how things in the BDSM lifestyle really work. Most would be very surprised on what they find.

That is the reason I write blogs and journal entries like these. Not to complain but to get as much good info out there as we can. I also think part of the problem is that we keep so tight to our circles that outsiders don’t see how we interact. Now don’t get me wrong I know why we do this and I totally get it. But maybe if vanilla people realized how many people they come across each day that live the BDSM lifestyle and how normal we all are it would change.

As scary as it is to think about being so open and the consequences that come with those actions maybe we need to be bolder. Every once in awhile I say something that lets the cat out of the bag. I did it just the other day. I was at the ER and a guy asked to sit next to me and referred to me not biting. I replied only if I’m asked to. His eyebrows rose and he replied hell yeah. I know not all of us can do this for various reasons…family…job…etc. And I’m one of them for good reason. And shame isn’t why. All the people in my life that are not judgmental know. That includes my mother. But not all of us have this brick wall closing us in. So maybe we should speak out and educate the vanilla public on the facts. We aren’t crazy or monsters waiting to attach. What we do in our bedroom is no different than the choices they make in theirs. And the people that practice the BDSM lifestyle might surprise you. We are moms, dads, doctors, lawyers, judges, etc. Not some crazy maniac waiting in the darkness to attach unsuspecting victims at will.

I’ll get off my soapbox and get to what I really wanted this blog to be about.

What a Submissive ISN’T…

We aren’t weak at all. In fact most subs are some of the strongest people out there. They run their own businesses and most are alphas by day. A weak sub won’t find a good Dom that is the slightest bit interested. Doms don’t want someone that will bend to their every whim. They want someone that will bend because they choose to. A Dom gets nothing from a weak sub. Dominance is a challenge and with a weak sub that challenge is lost.

You will find I’m a very strong and independent person. I would never allow anyone to come in and take over my life. By day I run my own business and after my day is done I want to turn over the reins to someone I trust to meet my needs and I strive to meet his. A sub does have some say so in the dynamic. And yes they do as their Dom says but that is after everything is negotiated and a trust bond is formed. Even then we can say no if we feel the need.

Subs aren’t mindless beings that need someone to tell them when…how…and where to do things. Most subs are highly educated go-getters. They have high power jobs and don’t need someone to lead the way. This idea is a total misconception.

I’m an educated person and make my ideas well known. Like with this blog post for example. A mindless sub couldn’t step out and voice their thoughts and opinions. Being a sub does not stop you from being you. It just enhances you in many wonderful ways. I’m no ones robot.

Being a sub isn’t a mental illness any more than having vanilla sex is a mental illness. There have been studies that have proven that it isn’t a mental illness. If you have a therapist that says it is then you need to find a new one that knows their stuff about the BDSM lifestyle. And yes they are out there.

I have suffered with depression my whole life. I do what I need to do keep it under control. But let me say that I had this issue when I led a vanilla lifestyle and it has eased sense I have accepted who I am and what makes me happy. Did BDSM make me better? No, but allowing myself to just go with what makes me happy has been a beautiful thing. It was about the acceptance of myself not the lifestyle. I would never tell someone that BDSM will change their life for the better. It won’t treat your mental issues.

Being a sub has nothing to do with low self-esteem. We are some of the most confident and strong willed people you will meet. Most subs would be totally offended by this statement. It says we are just weak doormats that can’t love ourselves. This is so far from the truth.

I admit at times I get down on myself but I think we all do. But to be really honest I hold myself in high esteem. I know that I am talented…a good mother…a great sub, etc. Not that I’m tooting my own horn but I don’t put myself down and berate myself constantly. So low self-esteem isn’t a good quality for a sub. We need to be strong, confident and in control of our outlook on ourselves. Doms don’t like weak women that constantly need to be reassured that we are okay. They want a woman that holds her head high and carries herself with confidence.

 

Now this one I will break down a bit. What the average person’s idea on abuse is can be very different than the way a sub looks at this topic.

Most subs know the difference between abuse and dominance. With abuse there is no safe word and no negotiations. Abusers don’t care about the person they control by force. They take what they want and don’t care who they hurt in the process. A good Dom doesn’t act this way. If yours does then there is a serious problem. You need to rethink the dynamic. This is not the actions of a good Dom.

An educated sub knows that they have options and can change their minds. Now I’m not saying to abuse your safe word but knowing you have one and it will be respected is key. One of the biggest ways to avoid abuse it to play with people you know. Never trust someone you just met to tie you up and then be at their mercy. That is just common sense but it is worth saying.

For me abuse can happen in a lot of different ways. If you are not respected or you don’t get options well that is abuse. If your safe word is ignored then that is a huge red flag. No one should be in fear at any time in a D’s relationship. It should be a very trusting and nurturing experience. Not one you dread.

A D’s relationship is about a power exchange. We decide who…when…where. And we also decide on who we will give this power over to. To say a sub is powerless is a vanilla way of seeing things with blinders on. A good Dom only has as much power as the sub is willing to give up. Don’t get confused about the sub listening and following their Dom’s directions. No, that is after a Dom has proven himself to be worthy and the sub trust him to her very soul. Just remember it is a power exhange and those two words say it all.

My closing thoughts…

I thrive with a good Dom at my side. But I have to have a Dom that I can trust whole-heartedly. If the trust isn’t there then I move on. See I make the decision on the Dom I choose to trust and let into my bed. But I also enjoy my total submission to the right Dom. It is a fifty-fifty decision until a meeting of the minds happens. Then the beauty of submission begins.

Play Safe,

SK

 

#FreakyFriday: What’s In A Name? Pt. 2

by Lord Unicron

A note about pronouns and other forms of address before I begin:

As a male, cisgendered, heterosexual D-type, I only take female submissives on. Because of this, I tend to refer to s-types using female pronouns and D-types using male pronouns. As with everything else I write, these pronouns should be taken to refer ONLY to the dynamics within House Unicron and varied as appropriate to your specific dynamic, gender and orientation or lack of same. (i.e. If you are a female D-type with a coterie of male s-types, flip the script as appropriate for your own situation.) In this same spirit, while I refer to my submissives as “my girls,” they are in fact WOMEN in every sense of the word. Each and every one of them is a strong, capable female in her own right, makes her own way in the world and has earned the right to my time, care, attention, discipline and love by demonstrating the genuine maturity, desire and will to become the best woman and submissive she can be. I say this only because I would not be misunderstood as to my meaning or stance on these forms of address, and wish to clarify my position accordingly at the outset.

With that disclaimer out of the way:

House Unicron is a hierarchical polyamorous House. What this means is, I have three girls as of this writing, each of whom inhabits a specific place and role within the House “on paper.” In actuality, the roles are a little more fluid, based upon who has the greatest need of my time, care, attention and discipline at any given moment. The hierarchy I have established serves my needs and that of my girls, and establishes a progression based upon seniority, training and ongoing role negotiation. I do not give my girls anything. Collars, names and position are not bestowed as a matter of right within my House. Everything they have and receive from me, they earn, for better or worse, and the House hierarchy reflects this and their individual standings. On paper, the organization of the House runs as follows:

Myself (Lord Unicron)

Skwirly: As the first slave of House Unicron, she is considered the Primary. All within the House are expected to defer to her judgment and will in matters where I have placed her in charge and/or where I am not available for immediate consultation. In practice, this rarely becomes an issue as her permanent address is 1,000 miles away. She enjoys the most leeway but the least margin for error of my girls. She addresses me as “Master.”

Sparrow: Sparrow inhabits a role somewhere between a full slave and a mere submissive. She is Secondary on paper, but in practice serves as my right hand on matters regarding training and House management, because she has spent more continuous time on both sides of the slash than anyone else in the House and demonstrates sound judgment in such matters. She enjoys a longer leash but less leeway than Skwirly. She addresses me as “Sire.”

Kitten: Kitten is the newest addition to House Unicron, and is Tertiary and my submissive in training. As such, she has the most room for error, but the shortest leash. She is still learning about herself and what she needs and wants out of the lifestyle, and I am deeply honored that she and her sisters within the House have chosen me to guide in their explorations. She addresses me as “Sir” or “Daddy,” depending upon the situation.

These names often make people do a double-take, especially when they know the provenance of my own lifestyle name. Names like “Cyclonus,” “Shockwave” and so on would be perfectly apropos. By contrast, you may notice that all my girls have animal names, and not just any animals, but CUTE animals, goddamnit! There’s a reason for this, of course, and I’ll explain what that reason is now.

As we discussed on #TastyTuesday, naming and titling conventions are largely meaningless. They are labels that serve as a convenient shorthand, but they frequently miss the mark, or at best give a very one-dimensional view of the person to whom the name, label or title is attached.

HOWEVER…

When it comes to naming my submissives, I don’t believe this at all.

A double standard, you say? Au contraire, mon cher ami!

Like many D-types, I hold to the tradition of giving my girls “House names” by which they are known both within the House and in the broader context of the lifestyle. I also believe, like many people do, that names have a unique power all their own that is largely independent of the precise configuration of letters and phonemes of which the names consist. Therefore, I believe that the naming of a submissive is something to be undertaken with exacting care and precision.

Like most of my conventions, the reason for this is simple if not immediately obvious.

A SUBMISSIVE’S NAME SHOULD REFLECT HER PERSONALITY AND THE PERSON AND WOMAN SHE IS, AS WELL AS WHAT SHE WISHES TO BE OR EVOLVE INTO.

Now, other D-types have their own conventions. So long as everyone involved in a particular dynamic is on board with a given handle, it’s not my place to say whether this is right or wrong. As a matter of personal belief and opinion, I feel that a submissive’s name should describe, at a minimum, the following:

1. The name should reflect her both as she is and as she is viewed by her D-type.
2. The name should reflect her primary personality traits and worldview.
3. The name should reflect something she strives to be, become or attain.
4. The name should NOT degrade or humiliate her.

Example: I often tell my girls, “You are not a slut or a whore. You are MY slut and MY whore. There is a difference.” Thus, in the context of a scene, I may refer to my girls as bitches and their lady bits as my cunts. I may call them my cock-sucking cum sluts. I may say things in scene that I would never consider issuing from my mouth outside of those confines. However, outside of those confines, I need a name for each of my girls which is socially acceptable (pet names being a common usage even in vanilla relationships) but still reinforces the dynamic and her place within the House.

More importantly, it is my belief that a woman who chooses to submit to her D-type is worthy of the utmost respect and care. This sounds counterintuitive until you remember that in addition to being a cisgendered male, a D-type and a Sadist, I am also a feminist. I believe a woman should not be forced to do anything…UNLESS she willingly, enthusiastically and voluntarily chooses to adopt such a dynamic. Therefore, a name is the first and most evident criterion for how a D-type conducts himself with his s-types and what she can expect from him in terms of care, devotion and guidance, to my way of thinking.

Sparrow’s first D-type promptly christened her “Cumdrop.” Well and so: She belonged to him at the time and that was the form of address they negotiated, so I won’t bother to second-guess his reasons. Still, when she told me this on our first meeting, my response was a hard flinch and an immediate resolution to do better. She wanted to lose weight. She identified with birds. She has a cute, independent streak. Thus, Sparrow. As an interesting side note, she had been considering a tattoo of a sparrow for a year before we met, and I was pleased to be at her side when she finally got it done in February. It looks amazing, and if you should happen to see us at our favorite dungeon, you’ll get plenty of opportunities to see it “in the flesh,” as it were.

Skwirly was named for her somewhat skittish but playful personality, as well as a sketch from The Swedish Chef. Look it up on Youtube: “swedish chef squirrel stew.” Likewise, Kitten was named for her catlike (not catty) traits, a theme which has followed her through most of her adult life in one way or another.

This contrast between the hardness of my own name and the softness of theirs speaks to their personalities and my belief that as their D-type, it is incumbent upon me to ensure that I conduct myself as their protector, caretaker, disciplinarian, guide, teacher, shelter from life’s storms and giver of both pain and pleasure when necessary and as appropriate. Thus, I must be “harder” than they are and yet capable of giving them my softer side as well.

Names are just one of the many command and control mechanisms at a D-type’s disposal, but I happen to believe they are perhaps the most critical right from the outset. In addition to establishing their positions beneath myself, they also indicate that you see your s-type for who and what she is and honor her for these things. To do less, in my opinion, is to do yourself, your s-type(s) and your House a grave disservice. A name is the most important gift you can give your s-type, and it is not something that should be undertaken lightly.

What are your naming conventions? How do you decide what your s-type’s name should be? Do you keep it only behind closed doors, or do you introduce her publicly under the name you have negotiated? Please leave a comment below, and be sure to check out our Grand Opening Blog Hop by clicking the ad on the right!

Until Tuesday,

Best,

Lord Unicron

You don’t have to have a cute name to bring out the animal in your s-type.

Tasty Tuesday: The Art Of Sensual Spanking

by Lord Unicron

We’ve all seen one of those scenes in a movie or in real life where the D-type takes the squirming, protesting, wriggling s-type over his (or her) knee and proceeds to spank her (or his) bratty ass into perfect, breathless, glassy-eyed, weak-kneed submission. There’s no lead-up, no foreplay, no warning of what’s to come, just WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACHWHACK followed by “Please fuck me, (insert title or honorific here).” Sexy, right?

On film, yes. In real life, not so much.

Oh, this scene or a variation of it works fine for discipline, when the idea isn’t to get your s-type wet or hard but to convey the simple message that the behavior that led to the spanking isn’t okay. But what if you want to turn on your partner instead of disciplining her? In the BDSM lifestyle, this is often called “funishment,”and it can be an exquisite bonding experience for both sides of the slash. Not altogether unrelated to the discussion, one of my girls recently experienced her first orgasm ever solely from impact play at a play party we attended. She said it was one of the most shockingly erotic and unexpected feelings she’d ever head.

“Forget to call me Sir again! I DARE you!”

**NOTE: Unless you have negotiated impact play as a part of your scene or relationship previously, treat it as any other form of touch and don’t do it until and unless you ask for it AND receive enthusiastic, explicit consent. There may be rare occasions where doing this any other way will work out surprisingly well, but the most likely responses run from “OUCH! What the fuck was THAT for?” to “Hello, 911…yeah, my partner just sexually assaulted me.” Save yourself the headache and don’t go there, hmm? If you want to try a spanking scene, always start by using your words. Neither the author, site admins nor hosting service will be liable for any consequences arising from any usage of this information in an inappropriate or nonconsensual manner.**

Definition of Terms: Force vs. Power

Yes, Virgil, there IS a considerable difference between force and power, and this difference is supremely relevant to understanding sensual spanking, as well as the basis for all other forms of impact play.

Power is the amount of kinetic energy behind the strike, usually related to the height from which the hand or prop falls, the speed with which it does so and how much effort is put into the strike. A quick, sharp pop from a relatively low height (<24″) will likely have more power behind it than a slow, light strike from higher up. Power is measured in watts and expressed with the equation P=w/t (power equals work [force applied over distance] divided by time).

Force is the transmission of the strike’s kinetic energy into the target area. If you think in terms of power being potential kinetic energy and force being actual, applied kinetic energy, you’re getting the idea. The power of a blow is only potential until the blow actually lands, because the strike could be pulled, redirected, softened, etc. Force is measured in newtons and expressed by the equation f=ma (force equals mass multiplied by acceleration).

**Another note: These terms also have psychological definitions that are eminently relevant to D/s dynamics, but fall beyond the intended scope of this article. I will discuss these in more detail on Freaky Friday, so be sure to check back in for more on this.**

Basic scene safety protocols apply to any scene, anytime, anywhere, until and unless you and your partner have negotiated in advance what is and is not acceptable at any given time or circumstance. When in doubt, trying something new or expanding boundaries and limits, always take the time to define what is and isn’t acceptable, even if you’ve been with your partner for years and THINK you know better than they do where their lines are drawn. Failure to do this may result in injury, the loss of the relationship, possible prison time, severe damage to one’s reputation and serious injury or death. Don’t neglect them. They are too important!!!

Be sure before you start that you negotiate a safeword and parameters for play, including any props, toys, insertables etc. you wish to employ, in advance and respect any limits expressed during negotiation, as well as mutually agreeable aftercare. If sexual activity is desired after the scene, guess what? That’s right! This has to be negotiated too, because if you successfully get your partner into the endorphin high known as “subspace,” your partner is basically in the grip of a heroin high and CANNOT give consent! Because of this, it’s vital that you set the lines beforehand so there are no questions later, and make sure there are NO unclarities on either side.

Always remember that “No,” “ouch,” and “stop” are not considered valid safewords! A good safeword is something that would not normally be used in a sexual context and is simple to remember, which is why many people prefer the stoplight system (green, yellow, RED) to signify safewords. Green means go ahead the way you’re doing it, yellow means slow down or check in, and red means stop the scene right here and right now. Feel free to mix and match to your own tastes, so long as you’re secure that you can say the safeword quickly and clearly if needed, or give a visual cue if gags and restraints are involved. (Hint: “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” = WORST SAFEWORD EVER!) If you or your partner do not permit the use of safewords, make sure you trust this person completely with your health and safety.

Step 1: Pick a position.

These steps are the way I go about this, so note that your mileage may vary and you may want to mix things up a bit. Whatever you negotiate with your partner ALWAYS kicks the ass of a list on the Internet!

For erotic spanking, I usually prefer my partner over my knee, but lying prone on a table has its advantages too. Over the knee gives more direct intimate contact, but necessarily limits the freedom of movement of both partners and restricts angle, force and power of the strike. It also limits the strike zone largely to the buttock and rear hip and thigh area. The prone position reduces or negates direct contact, but offers a broader range of options for the D-type concerning how, where and with how much power and force strikes are applied, as well as giving a great deal more flexibility in the use of props. Positioning in this case is largely a matter of personal taste and preference, but the intended application should be considered.

Step 2: Get rhythm.

If you’re unfortunate enough to have no natural sense of rhythm, like me, then you need something with which to mark time. A metronome or music with a heavy beat can help you maintain a steady, consistent rhythm as you work your way up in speed and intensity. I strongly suggest a playlist that goes from slow, steady 4/4 time to more complex and syncopated rhythms. Example: Start with Evanescence’s “Bring Me To Life” or Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” and work up in speed and complexity to “Voodoo” by Godsmack. If you have natural rhythm, keeping consistent rhythm and adding in variations is important to getting your s-type into the right headspace to fully let go and just experience the moment.

Step 3: Getting started

You’ve got your s-type positioned to your liking, your favorite music is cued up and you’re ready to start. I prefer to begin a sensual session with my bare hand, applying just enough force to the target area to make a light slapping sound. To do this, “pull” the strike just as it lands so that it strikes at about half the terminal (highest) speed and position your hand so it deflects off the target area at about a 30- to 45-degree angle. This gives a solid impact, a little sting and a nice follow-through without being too much, too soon. Your strike doesn’t necessarily have to have a cohesive rhythm, but there does need to be enough of a pattern that your partner relaxes and doesn’t try to anticipate or figure out what you’re doing next. If you keep to the same rhythm, vary your pattern. If you keep to the same rhythm, vary your pattern. Also, do remember to switch hands as much as possible every so often, and reduce strike force a little about every five minutes for 2-3 minutes. This not only changes the angle and direction with which the force of the strikes is applied, but it also keeps your palms from getting tired and sore too early.

If you’re doing SDS (Same Damned Spot) play, where the goal is to strike one limited area without deviation or straying, you will want to be even lighter starting out. If you have a broader target area to work within, be sure to space out your strikes so no one area takes more than one hit for every 4-8 you deliver. (I find starting out in a square pattern resolves this fairly easily.)

This all seems like a lot to remember, so the biggest thing to keep in mind is not to overthink it. It will become second nature quickly enough, but don’t be surprised if you feel a little awkward or uncertain in the beginning.

Repeat until the area in question is a medium pink to light red color.

4. Gaining momentum

By this time, about 10-15 minutes should have elapsed. If your partner is looking very relaxed and even happy each time you strike, they’re experiencing their first endorphin dump. Check in. Offer your partner some water to keep them and you hydrated and/or some chocolate for quick fuel. Be sure to replenish yourself as well, because repetitive activity is always more tiring and draining than you think it is. Once this is done, it’s time to mix things up a bit. Back off slightly for 2-3 minutes.  Start going slightly harder and faster, alternating and mixing up your patterns to keep your partner’s nerve endings alert. Remember to back off and then increase.

When your partner’s strike area is a medium to deep red, repeat this step again, increasing speed and complexity of the pattern you’re using again. Don’t forget to replenish your partner and yourself, and make sure to vary your strike force on a semi-regular basis. If you wish, you may continue until you and your partner feel enough time has passed, your partner achieves climax or the safeword is given, or you may proceed to the optional next step.

5. Shit just got real.

If you negotiated the use of props such as a strap, flogger, cane and so on, this is the time you want to put them into play. All the previous points come into play here, with the crucial exception being that you need to be very alert for a phenomenon known as “marbling.” This produces an appearance on the skin similar to a high-quality steak. This point can be dangerous because subdermal bruising or blood pooling (“Hematoma”) can occur. At this point, it is very easy to break the skin, or risk causing a blood clot with potentially fatal consequences. When you see marbling, regardless of whether your partner has used their safeword, you need to stop the scene immediately and begin aftercare, unless you’re VERY experienced and splitting the skin is what you and your partner are after, in which case, it’s your negotiation, your scene and your health and safety. Remember RACK!

Wash, rinse, repeat with each new prop you bring into the scene.

This isn’t aftercare…but it IS lovely!

6. Aftercare

Do not neglect aftercare. This is the time where you and your partner can “come down” and express your love and caring for each other. This is also the time to thoroughly hydrate, attend to your physical needs (bathroom, cigarette, rehydrate, refuel, etc.) and begin debriefing. What worked in the scene? What didn’t? What was good? What was not so good? Are you okay? Is your partner okay? Are you both feeling all right about what happened?

Remember that during a window of immediately to 3-4 days out, your body is purging the endorphins built up during the scene. When they and the oxytocin and other great chemicals your body makes in these situations run out, you and your partner may experience a “crash” that feels just like coming down from a dose of hard drugs. This drop is so commonplace it is known as Dom/sub drop, and could manifest as anything from a mild feeling of malaise to severe-to-suicidal depression and any point in between. It is CRUCIAL, especially if you are a new player, to make sure you and your partner stay in close contact so you can help each other through drop if it occurs. Both of you may need that assurance that you’re not a bad person, you’re not a freak and you’re not crazy because you find pleasure and gratification in giving or receiving pain, so be sure that you and your partner are there for each other to get the comfort and care you need. Even if YOU don’t, that doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t.

Say what you will about cats…they do aftercare like nobody’s business!

Thanks for joining me for Tasty Tuesday. Be sure to check out the other posts that are coming down throughout the week, and join me again on Freaky Friday for an analysis of power vs. force as they relate to psychology and the kink lifestyle!

Best,

Lord Unicron

Want to enhance your spanking play and increase sensation? A good anal plug can do wonders… 😉