What a Submissive Isn’t

Lets just start with we are not damsels in distress…so please stop trying to save us. We aren’t tied to the train tracks screaming for help. I can guarantee you that if we are tied to the tracks we are just where we want to be and loving every moment of it.

The Sub stereotype of being mistreated really rubs me the wrong way. We aren’t scared little girls in need of a hero.

And then there is the Dom stereotype of being an abuser. They aren’t bad guys lurking in alleys waiting to grab the first unsuspecting woman that comes along.

As sad as it is…this is our reality. Not in the sense that we practice these types of things but because vanilla society refuses to try to educate themselves on our lifestyle. Before they make a judgment on who we are and what we practice they should find info on how things in the BDSM lifestyle really work. Most would be very surprised on what they find.

That is the reason I write blogs and journal entries like these. Not to complain but to get as much good info out there as we can. I also think part of the problem is that we keep so tight to our circles that outsiders don’t see how we interact. Now don’t get me wrong I know why we do this and I totally get it. But maybe if vanilla people realized how many people they come across each day that live the BDSM lifestyle and how normal we all are it would change.

As scary as it is to think about being so open and the consequences that come with those actions maybe we need to be bolder. Every once in awhile I say something that lets the cat out of the bag. I did it just the other day. I was at the ER and a guy asked to sit next to me and referred to me not biting. I replied only if I’m asked to. His eyebrows rose and he replied hell yeah. I know not all of us can do this for various reasons…family…job…etc. And I’m one of them for good reason. And shame isn’t why. All the people in my life that are not judgmental know. That includes my mother. But not all of us have this brick wall closing us in. So maybe we should speak out and educate the vanilla public on the facts. We aren’t crazy or monsters waiting to attach. What we do in our bedroom is no different than the choices they make in theirs. And the people that practice the BDSM lifestyle might surprise you. We are moms, dads, doctors, lawyers, judges, etc. Not some crazy maniac waiting in the darkness to attach unsuspecting victims at will.

I’ll get off my soapbox and get to what I really wanted this blog to be about.

What a Submissive ISN’T…

We aren’t weak at all. In fact most subs are some of the strongest people out there. They run their own businesses and most are alphas by day. A weak sub won’t find a good Dom that is the slightest bit interested. Doms don’t want someone that will bend to their every whim. They want someone that will bend because they choose to. A Dom gets nothing from a weak sub. Dominance is a challenge and with a weak sub that challenge is lost.

You will find I’m a very strong and independent person. I would never allow anyone to come in and take over my life. By day I run my own business and after my day is done I want to turn over the reins to someone I trust to meet my needs and I strive to meet his. A sub does have some say so in the dynamic. And yes they do as their Dom says but that is after everything is negotiated and a trust bond is formed. Even then we can say no if we feel the need.

Subs aren’t mindless beings that need someone to tell them when…how…and where to do things. Most subs are highly educated go-getters. They have high power jobs and don’t need someone to lead the way. This idea is a total misconception.

I’m an educated person and make my ideas well known. Like with this blog post for example. A mindless sub couldn’t step out and voice their thoughts and opinions. Being a sub does not stop you from being you. It just enhances you in many wonderful ways. I’m no ones robot.

Being a sub isn’t a mental illness any more than having vanilla sex is a mental illness. There have been studies that have proven that it isn’t a mental illness. If you have a therapist that says it is then you need to find a new one that knows their stuff about the BDSM lifestyle. And yes they are out there.

I have suffered with depression my whole life. I do what I need to do keep it under control. But let me say that I had this issue when I led a vanilla lifestyle and it has eased sense I have accepted who I am and what makes me happy. Did BDSM make me better? No, but allowing myself to just go with what makes me happy has been a beautiful thing. It was about the acceptance of myself not the lifestyle. I would never tell someone that BDSM will change their life for the better. It won’t treat your mental issues.

Being a sub has nothing to do with low self-esteem. We are some of the most confident and strong willed people you will meet. Most subs would be totally offended by this statement. It says we are just weak doormats that can’t love ourselves. This is so far from the truth.

I admit at times I get down on myself but I think we all do. But to be really honest I hold myself in high esteem. I know that I am talented…a good mother…a great sub, etc. Not that I’m tooting my own horn but I don’t put myself down and berate myself constantly. So low self-esteem isn’t a good quality for a sub. We need to be strong, confident and in control of our outlook on ourselves. Doms don’t like weak women that constantly need to be reassured that we are okay. They want a woman that holds her head high and carries herself with confidence.

 

Now this one I will break down a bit. What the average person’s idea on abuse is can be very different than the way a sub looks at this topic.

Most subs know the difference between abuse and dominance. With abuse there is no safe word and no negotiations. Abusers don’t care about the person they control by force. They take what they want and don’t care who they hurt in the process. A good Dom doesn’t act this way. If yours does then there is a serious problem. You need to rethink the dynamic. This is not the actions of a good Dom.

An educated sub knows that they have options and can change their minds. Now I’m not saying to abuse your safe word but knowing you have one and it will be respected is key. One of the biggest ways to avoid abuse it to play with people you know. Never trust someone you just met to tie you up and then be at their mercy. That is just common sense but it is worth saying.

For me abuse can happen in a lot of different ways. If you are not respected or you don’t get options well that is abuse. If your safe word is ignored then that is a huge red flag. No one should be in fear at any time in a D’s relationship. It should be a very trusting and nurturing experience. Not one you dread.

A D’s relationship is about a power exchange. We decide who…when…where. And we also decide on who we will give this power over to. To say a sub is powerless is a vanilla way of seeing things with blinders on. A good Dom only has as much power as the sub is willing to give up. Don’t get confused about the sub listening and following their Dom’s directions. No, that is after a Dom has proven himself to be worthy and the sub trust him to her very soul. Just remember it is a power exhange and those two words say it all.

My closing thoughts…

I thrive with a good Dom at my side. But I have to have a Dom that I can trust whole-heartedly. If the trust isn’t there then I move on. See I make the decision on the Dom I choose to trust and let into my bed. But I also enjoy my total submission to the right Dom. It is a fifty-fifty decision until a meeting of the minds happens. Then the beauty of submission begins.

Play Safe,

SK

 

The Art Of The Mindfuck

by Lord Unicron

After a very long and strange week, we’re back on Covert and Carnal! And today, we’re going to be talking about how to set up a mindfuck scene. But first, we need to know two things:

• what a mindfuck is
• why it should be part of a kink scene

A mindfuck, according to the Urban Dictionary, is:

an idea or concept that shakes one’s previously held beliefs or assumptions about the nature of reality.

Sounds very simple, doesn’t it? In the kink world, a mindfuck can be very simple or diabolically elaborate. At its most basic, the idea of a mindfuck scene is to encourage the s-type to consider her reality from a completely different angle. This can be done in a number of ways. However, to get the most results and benefits from this kind of scene, the D-type CANNOT BE SLOPPY! A truly great mindfuck is orchestrated down to the last detail, a symphony written specifically for the s-type. Mindfucks can be used to modify or encourage certain behaviors, to reveal another side of the D-type, or to make the s-type look at herself in another light.

Before you engage in this type of play, it is very important to understand what the goal of the play is. All BDSM is a psychodrama to some extent, but in a mindfuck scenario, the psychodrama is the entire purpose of the performance and everything that is done, or not done, is intended to serve one singular end. Therefore, you have to understand your s-types limits, desires and fears as deeply and thoroughly as you know your own to be truly effective. While it is possible to have a successful mindfuck scene with a pickup play partner, this takes a great deal more planning and negotiation, which necessarily reduces the impact of the scene. You, as the D-type, are uniquely responsible for the success or failure of the scene, so you MUST NOT BE LAZY when planning it out.

Here are some scenarios.

Tell her exactly what you’re going to do. Then follow through.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Unicron,” you may be saying. “How the FUCK does that equate to a mindfuck?”

Okay, think it over. Most women are used to being lied to or promised something only to get something else, right? A man who says simply and directly, “I’m going to do [whatever] and follows through is the exact opposite of what her experience has led her to expect from men. Therefore, by doing that, you reassert your paradigm of reality onto her consciousness. This, in turn, forces her to see you in a different light. Something as simple as “When I get home, I’m going to put a blindfold on you, paddle you until you’re dripping wet and then fuck you stupid” can be a mindfuck if the scene is set properly.

Make her wait for it (predicament play).

Another version of a mindfuck is to tease her with something she really wants or needs. One method of this that appeals both to my sadistic streak and to my controlling nature is to have the s-type kneel before me and consume a lot of water, iced tea or soda. (Alcohol is VERY bad in this scenario, for reasons that will become clear shortly.) When I say “a lot,” I mean that she drinks until she literally cannot stay still for the need to relieve herself.

And then refuse to let her go to the restroom when she asks.

Sounds simple, right? But try it for yourself sometime. Tell yourself, very sternly, that you cannot and will not go to the bathroom until the next song’s over, the next commercial break or the credits come up. But KEEP DRINKING the whole while. When the pressure becomes unbearable, you will do absolutely anything to relieve it. So it is with your sub. She will reach a point where she will beg, plead and even cry because she doesn’t want to break protocol, but she also doesn’t want to pee on the floor. At this point, you have three options:

• Make her do something for you first (blowjob, handjob, show her breasts, etc.)
• Let her go but make her come right back and do something then.
• Refuse to let her go until the situation is (to her) utterly dire.

Note: If your sub has a kidney or urinary tract infection or similar medical conditions, this may not be a good type of play. YOUR SUB’S HEALTH AND SAFETY SHOULD ALWAYS BE PARAMOUNT WHEN PLANNING A SCENE LIKE THIS.

This kind of mindfuck is very effective because it gives her the opportunity to demonstrate her commitment to you, as well as her control of herself even in extreme situations. As such, it is an interesting test to put new s-types through, as well as something to keep in your bag of tricks for nights when you’re stuck for something more innovative to do. You can add to this by having her hold your cocktail coaster with one hand, especially if your coaster is designed to be uncomfortable for her. Never underestimate the power of sensation!

Which gives us a perfectly good segue to

Sensation Play

The best sensation play demands that at least one of the senses be obscured. I find that putting on earbuds and a blindfold before engaging in sensation play focuses the s-type’s mind wonderfully on what I’m doing and encourages her to fully commit to accepting the sensations I’m giving her. Whether I’m using felt, rabbit fur, a wooden spoon, a Wartenberg pinwheel or dragging a flogger across her skin, the reactions are going to be greatly enhanced because she doesn’t have as much sensory “noise” coming at her, freeing her to experience everything I do to the utmost. This is a good warm up for electro play, knifeplay or even a session of erotic edging.

Note: Always be sure you don’t do anything to your s-type that hasn’t been negotiated previously. The goal of a mindfuck is to build trust, even when what you’re doing seems to be the exact opposite. Breaking your s-type’s boundaries by unleashing something on her she didn’t consent to can bring the scene to a very awkward halt very quickly, and is likely to damage her trust in you. Be aware!

These are just a few scenarios you could experiment with. Cosplay and consensual non-consent are other versions that are available. What kind of mindfucks can you come up with for your s-type? If you’re an s-type, what kind of mindfuck would you like your D-type to try on you? Remember, exploration is integral to this kind of play. Be open and communicate with one another, and you’ll find that the mindfuck isn’t a one-way street!

Be sure to check back on #FreakyFriday, when I’ll be writing about the psychological basis for the mindfuck and what you need to know and understand to make it work. See you then, and if you have any comments, thoughts or ideas to share, please leave a pawprint in the comments!

Best,

Lord Unicron

Props for a mindfuck can be as simple as a glass of water, or as elaborate as your twisted imagination will allow. Giving your mind some room to roam and considering various kinky applications for common toys can open up whole new dimensions of play!

 

Freaky Friday: Power and Force

by Lord Unicron

In my last post, I wrote about power and force as they equate to a sensual spanking, and in a broader sense to ALL forms of impact play. We can even broaden these definitions further and say that in some respect, they apply to just about any kind of BDSM play. From a pure physics standpoint, power is defined as the amount of potential energy available, whereas force is the transmission of power to and its action upon an object. (The object, in this case, is naturally the s-type who is receiving the action.) Therefore when we hear about “stopping power” when discussing firearms, this is actually a misnomer. We are actually talking about stopping FORCE, because stopping power is relatively useless except in the theoretical realm.

When a trigger is squeezed, the person performing the action is not interested in the theoretical. It comes down to two simple questions: Will this weapon fire? And if so, will it stop the person or thing I’m shooting at from doing what it’s doing? Force is what gets the job done. Thus, stopping power in this case must surely be the despair of anyone who knows more than nothing whatsoever about high school physics.

But wait…there’s more.

Consider that just about any human relationship can be reduced to patterns of power and force. Whether it’s with family, friends, a lover or an s-type, these patterns assert and reassert themselves over and over again. In the kink world, power dynamics tend to be more rigidly stratified and enforced than in a vanilla relationship, but even there, if you look hard enough, you’ll notice a tidal flow of power to and from each party.

So what’s the difference?

From a relationship perspective, I like to use this example.

In the aftermath of a transgression, I order my s-type to kneel and place her nose against a point I’ve marked on the wall or the floor and to stay there until and unless I tell her otherwise. She does so without fuss or having to be told twice. I wait what I consider an appropriate amount of time and then I grab her by the hair, haul her to her feet, drag her across my knee and proceed to spank her.

In both situations I am demonstrating dominance over the s-type. In neither case is my dominance or my right to do these things, which have been negotiated and consented to previously, being gainsaid. The difference in these things is deceptively simple, because if you think about it for a moment, a lot of different things are happening all at once.

By issuing a series of verbal commands with which the s-type complies without question or hesitation, I am asserting power over her. Power is given by the s-type to the D-type to do with as he will, under the assumption that he will not abuse it or use “his” power as an excuse to violate the s-type’s consent. Nevertheless, once given, it is unquestionably his power and so long as he uses it responsibly and within the negotiated parameters of the relationship, he will likely retain that power. Power does not rely on external factors; it is purely internal, within the minds of the people in the scene. Their physical compliance is an outward symbolic representation of their internal agreement as to who wields the power.

However, when instead of commanding the s-type to get across my knee, I drag her bodily from the position in which I placed her and then across my knee, I am using force. Force is purely physical in this situation*, and while it is my right to do so because this is what we have mutually agreed to, it is not the same as power. True power does not require shows of force for its validation, although I am by no means saying that there aren’t times and circumstances where force can be mutually pleasurable all on its own. Sometimes the implicit loss of control that force brings to the table is exactly what both sides need. The D-type needs a reason, and the s-type craves that kind of attention. However, force is and has always been a poor substitute for real power in the long term. Therefore, the s-type kneeling where, when and how she is told is a much truer representation of power than the spanking that follows.

*Note: Yes, mental force, or coercion, is a thing. For example, while it is comparatively rare for males to be physically, overtly raped by women, being coerced into an unwanted or undesired act is by far the more common method. This is why negotiation is SO crucial and why any unclarities should be ironed out before the first command is given or the first prop brought into play. Coercion is not dominance, and those who engage in it for nefarious purposes do not deserve to consider themselves D-types. Of course, the problem with this definition is that just like #MKINYK, your definition of “nefarious” and mine may not even inhabit the same solar system. As with all human behavior, definitions can be a VERY slippery slope. Please keep this in mind.

So, if we want to produce a useful, simple definition of power in the BDSM dynamic, let us understand “power” to mean the following:

Power is negotiated between the D-type and s-type and employed in a consensual manner in ways that require minimal or no physical or overt contact to be valid. Power defines the overall hierarchy of the relationship and the responsibilities each has to the other.

If this is our working definition of power, then we may say of “force” that:

Force is negotiated between the D-type and s-type and employed in a consensual manner in ways that demand some or a great deal of physical or overt contact. Force defines how and to what degree physical expressions of power may be employed and the limiting factors upon same.

Power is the heart and soul of a BDSM relationship. When true power is freely given, responsibly wielded and properly acknowledged on both sides, the relationship is far more likely to be healthy and of merit to both parties. True dominance flows from a constant awareness of one’s power and the responsibility the D-type has to both his s-type and himself to use that power wisely. A D-type with true power doesn’t need to bang a gong, send up a flare or hold a ticker-tape parade to show just how much power he has. He understands his power, the s-type understands his power and within the confines of the dynamic, this remains satisfactory so long as neither party chooses to renegotiate the dynamic.

Force is not properly an expression of dominance at all. A D-type may choose to employ force in specific situations, but a reliance upon force rather than choosing shadings of tone, facial expression, stance and posture calculated to reassert power and thereby convey approval or disapproval as needed walks a razor-thin line between dominance and abuse. “Do X or I’ll kick your ass” can be cathartic in the moment, and it may well get results…but the raised eyebrow and soft tone with which a D-type lets the s-type know her behavior is not acceptable, and how quickly she moves to correct her behavior or make amends for same, is a far better measure of just how much dominance he really has.

The best dominance doesn’t need to broadcast its existence. It is simply a fact, like gravity.

Does this mean that dominance with force or the threat of force behind it is invalid?

NO!!!!

As with so many other things, it is largely up to the people in a given dynamic. Some s-types may negotiate a certain threshold level of bratty behavior, after which the D-type has more or less free rein to employ force if power isn’t getting the point across. Some D-types may negotiate the use of force only during play scenes, not during discipline or correction, or vice versa. And of course, there is the question of “consensual non-consent,” wherein the s-type surrenders power and the right to use force completely to the D-type and then proceeds to play the role of hapless victim.

A fascinating test of this is going to dungeons and watching where the power in any given dynamic lies. You can even perform the same experiment right on the street. It’s generally pretty easy to tell who has the power in a relationship at any given time and to gauge how that power ebbs and flows. An s-type calling RED at a dungeon is asserting her inherent power to end the scene in which the D-type is nominally in command, rendering the D-type’s power moot, and the D-type will (typically) reassert power by rendering aftercare. You can observe similar psychodramas play out, generally in a less dramatic fashion, at work, at the mall, the park or the bus stop. Some people will be naturally submissive, while others will be naturally dominant. However, even the hardest D-type cannot be “on” all the time, so the tidal shift of dominance becomes an observable phenomenon.

The truest test of a D-type’s power is whether he can assert it at his will and whim, and achieve the outcome he desires. A D-type who must resort to force to enforce his will is not, in my opinion, a Dominant at all, but an abuser.

Thank you for stopping by today! Be sure to check back to hear more from Sparrow and Kitten about their side of the slash. If you have a comment, question or concern, we’d love to hear about it! Just send us an email at covertandcarnal@gmail.com or leave a comment in the box below. See you on Tasty Tuesday, where I’ll be talking about…well, come back and find out!

Best,

Lord Unicron

Power is an aphrodisiac. The ultimate power comes with absolute trust. Does your s-type trust you enough to deprive her of sight and motion while you have your way with her? Cuffs and blindfolds can be a very erotic way to build trust and prove that the power you have over her is not misplaced…

Tasty Tuesday: The Art Of Sensual Spanking

by Lord Unicron

We’ve all seen one of those scenes in a movie or in real life where the D-type takes the squirming, protesting, wriggling s-type over his (or her) knee and proceeds to spank her (or his) bratty ass into perfect, breathless, glassy-eyed, weak-kneed submission. There’s no lead-up, no foreplay, no warning of what’s to come, just WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACHWHACK followed by “Please fuck me, (insert title or honorific here).” Sexy, right?

On film, yes. In real life, not so much.

Oh, this scene or a variation of it works fine for discipline, when the idea isn’t to get your s-type wet or hard but to convey the simple message that the behavior that led to the spanking isn’t okay. But what if you want to turn on your partner instead of disciplining her? In the BDSM lifestyle, this is often called “funishment,”and it can be an exquisite bonding experience for both sides of the slash. Not altogether unrelated to the discussion, one of my girls recently experienced her first orgasm ever solely from impact play at a play party we attended. She said it was one of the most shockingly erotic and unexpected feelings she’d ever head.

“Forget to call me Sir again! I DARE you!”

**NOTE: Unless you have negotiated impact play as a part of your scene or relationship previously, treat it as any other form of touch and don’t do it until and unless you ask for it AND receive enthusiastic, explicit consent. There may be rare occasions where doing this any other way will work out surprisingly well, but the most likely responses run from “OUCH! What the fuck was THAT for?” to “Hello, 911…yeah, my partner just sexually assaulted me.” Save yourself the headache and don’t go there, hmm? If you want to try a spanking scene, always start by using your words. Neither the author, site admins nor hosting service will be liable for any consequences arising from any usage of this information in an inappropriate or nonconsensual manner.**

Definition of Terms: Force vs. Power

Yes, Virgil, there IS a considerable difference between force and power, and this difference is supremely relevant to understanding sensual spanking, as well as the basis for all other forms of impact play.

Power is the amount of kinetic energy behind the strike, usually related to the height from which the hand or prop falls, the speed with which it does so and how much effort is put into the strike. A quick, sharp pop from a relatively low height (<24″) will likely have more power behind it than a slow, light strike from higher up. Power is measured in watts and expressed with the equation P=w/t (power equals work [force applied over distance] divided by time).

Force is the transmission of the strike’s kinetic energy into the target area. If you think in terms of power being potential kinetic energy and force being actual, applied kinetic energy, you’re getting the idea. The power of a blow is only potential until the blow actually lands, because the strike could be pulled, redirected, softened, etc. Force is measured in newtons and expressed by the equation f=ma (force equals mass multiplied by acceleration).

**Another note: These terms also have psychological definitions that are eminently relevant to D/s dynamics, but fall beyond the intended scope of this article. I will discuss these in more detail on Freaky Friday, so be sure to check back in for more on this.**

Basic scene safety protocols apply to any scene, anytime, anywhere, until and unless you and your partner have negotiated in advance what is and is not acceptable at any given time or circumstance. When in doubt, trying something new or expanding boundaries and limits, always take the time to define what is and isn’t acceptable, even if you’ve been with your partner for years and THINK you know better than they do where their lines are drawn. Failure to do this may result in injury, the loss of the relationship, possible prison time, severe damage to one’s reputation and serious injury or death. Don’t neglect them. They are too important!!!

Be sure before you start that you negotiate a safeword and parameters for play, including any props, toys, insertables etc. you wish to employ, in advance and respect any limits expressed during negotiation, as well as mutually agreeable aftercare. If sexual activity is desired after the scene, guess what? That’s right! This has to be negotiated too, because if you successfully get your partner into the endorphin high known as “subspace,” your partner is basically in the grip of a heroin high and CANNOT give consent! Because of this, it’s vital that you set the lines beforehand so there are no questions later, and make sure there are NO unclarities on either side.

Always remember that “No,” “ouch,” and “stop” are not considered valid safewords! A good safeword is something that would not normally be used in a sexual context and is simple to remember, which is why many people prefer the stoplight system (green, yellow, RED) to signify safewords. Green means go ahead the way you’re doing it, yellow means slow down or check in, and red means stop the scene right here and right now. Feel free to mix and match to your own tastes, so long as you’re secure that you can say the safeword quickly and clearly if needed, or give a visual cue if gags and restraints are involved. (Hint: “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” = WORST SAFEWORD EVER!) If you or your partner do not permit the use of safewords, make sure you trust this person completely with your health and safety.

Step 1: Pick a position.

These steps are the way I go about this, so note that your mileage may vary and you may want to mix things up a bit. Whatever you negotiate with your partner ALWAYS kicks the ass of a list on the Internet!

For erotic spanking, I usually prefer my partner over my knee, but lying prone on a table has its advantages too. Over the knee gives more direct intimate contact, but necessarily limits the freedom of movement of both partners and restricts angle, force and power of the strike. It also limits the strike zone largely to the buttock and rear hip and thigh area. The prone position reduces or negates direct contact, but offers a broader range of options for the D-type concerning how, where and with how much power and force strikes are applied, as well as giving a great deal more flexibility in the use of props. Positioning in this case is largely a matter of personal taste and preference, but the intended application should be considered.

Step 2: Get rhythm.

If you’re unfortunate enough to have no natural sense of rhythm, like me, then you need something with which to mark time. A metronome or music with a heavy beat can help you maintain a steady, consistent rhythm as you work your way up in speed and intensity. I strongly suggest a playlist that goes from slow, steady 4/4 time to more complex and syncopated rhythms. Example: Start with Evanescence’s “Bring Me To Life” or Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” and work up in speed and complexity to “Voodoo” by Godsmack. If you have natural rhythm, keeping consistent rhythm and adding in variations is important to getting your s-type into the right headspace to fully let go and just experience the moment.

Step 3: Getting started

You’ve got your s-type positioned to your liking, your favorite music is cued up and you’re ready to start. I prefer to begin a sensual session with my bare hand, applying just enough force to the target area to make a light slapping sound. To do this, “pull” the strike just as it lands so that it strikes at about half the terminal (highest) speed and position your hand so it deflects off the target area at about a 30- to 45-degree angle. This gives a solid impact, a little sting and a nice follow-through without being too much, too soon. Your strike doesn’t necessarily have to have a cohesive rhythm, but there does need to be enough of a pattern that your partner relaxes and doesn’t try to anticipate or figure out what you’re doing next. If you keep to the same rhythm, vary your pattern. If you keep to the same rhythm, vary your pattern. Also, do remember to switch hands as much as possible every so often, and reduce strike force a little about every five minutes for 2-3 minutes. This not only changes the angle and direction with which the force of the strikes is applied, but it also keeps your palms from getting tired and sore too early.

If you’re doing SDS (Same Damned Spot) play, where the goal is to strike one limited area without deviation or straying, you will want to be even lighter starting out. If you have a broader target area to work within, be sure to space out your strikes so no one area takes more than one hit for every 4-8 you deliver. (I find starting out in a square pattern resolves this fairly easily.)

This all seems like a lot to remember, so the biggest thing to keep in mind is not to overthink it. It will become second nature quickly enough, but don’t be surprised if you feel a little awkward or uncertain in the beginning.

Repeat until the area in question is a medium pink to light red color.

4. Gaining momentum

By this time, about 10-15 minutes should have elapsed. If your partner is looking very relaxed and even happy each time you strike, they’re experiencing their first endorphin dump. Check in. Offer your partner some water to keep them and you hydrated and/or some chocolate for quick fuel. Be sure to replenish yourself as well, because repetitive activity is always more tiring and draining than you think it is. Once this is done, it’s time to mix things up a bit. Back off slightly for 2-3 minutes.  Start going slightly harder and faster, alternating and mixing up your patterns to keep your partner’s nerve endings alert. Remember to back off and then increase.

When your partner’s strike area is a medium to deep red, repeat this step again, increasing speed and complexity of the pattern you’re using again. Don’t forget to replenish your partner and yourself, and make sure to vary your strike force on a semi-regular basis. If you wish, you may continue until you and your partner feel enough time has passed, your partner achieves climax or the safeword is given, or you may proceed to the optional next step.

5. Shit just got real.

If you negotiated the use of props such as a strap, flogger, cane and so on, this is the time you want to put them into play. All the previous points come into play here, with the crucial exception being that you need to be very alert for a phenomenon known as “marbling.” This produces an appearance on the skin similar to a high-quality steak. This point can be dangerous because subdermal bruising or blood pooling (“Hematoma”) can occur. At this point, it is very easy to break the skin, or risk causing a blood clot with potentially fatal consequences. When you see marbling, regardless of whether your partner has used their safeword, you need to stop the scene immediately and begin aftercare, unless you’re VERY experienced and splitting the skin is what you and your partner are after, in which case, it’s your negotiation, your scene and your health and safety. Remember RACK!

Wash, rinse, repeat with each new prop you bring into the scene.

This isn’t aftercare…but it IS lovely!

6. Aftercare

Do not neglect aftercare. This is the time where you and your partner can “come down” and express your love and caring for each other. This is also the time to thoroughly hydrate, attend to your physical needs (bathroom, cigarette, rehydrate, refuel, etc.) and begin debriefing. What worked in the scene? What didn’t? What was good? What was not so good? Are you okay? Is your partner okay? Are you both feeling all right about what happened?

Remember that during a window of immediately to 3-4 days out, your body is purging the endorphins built up during the scene. When they and the oxytocin and other great chemicals your body makes in these situations run out, you and your partner may experience a “crash” that feels just like coming down from a dose of hard drugs. This drop is so commonplace it is known as Dom/sub drop, and could manifest as anything from a mild feeling of malaise to severe-to-suicidal depression and any point in between. It is CRUCIAL, especially if you are a new player, to make sure you and your partner stay in close contact so you can help each other through drop if it occurs. Both of you may need that assurance that you’re not a bad person, you’re not a freak and you’re not crazy because you find pleasure and gratification in giving or receiving pain, so be sure that you and your partner are there for each other to get the comfort and care you need. Even if YOU don’t, that doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t.

Say what you will about cats…they do aftercare like nobody’s business!

Thanks for joining me for Tasty Tuesday. Be sure to check out the other posts that are coming down throughout the week, and join me again on Freaky Friday for an analysis of power vs. force as they relate to psychology and the kink lifestyle!

Best,

Lord Unicron

Want to enhance your spanking play and increase sensation? A good anal plug can do wonders… 😉