What a Submissive Isn’t

Untitled

Lets just start with we are not damsels in distress…so please stop trying to save us. We aren’t tied to the train tracks screaming for help. I can guarantee you that if we are tied to the tracks we are just where we want to be and loving every moment of it.

The Sub stereotype of being mistreated really rubs me the wrong way. We aren’t scared little girls in need of a hero.

And then there is the Dom stereotype of being an abuser. They aren’t bad guys lurking in alleys waiting to grab the first unsuspecting woman that comes along.

As sad as it is…this is our reality. Not in the sense that we practice these types of things but because vanilla society refuses to try to educate themselves on our lifestyle. Before they make a judgment on who we are and what we practice they should find info on how things in the BDSM lifestyle really work. Most would be very surprised on what they find.

That is the reason I write blogs and journal entries like these. Not to complain but to get as much good info out there as we can. I also think part of the problem is that we keep so tight to our circles that outsiders don’t see how we interact. Now don’t get me wrong I know why we do this and I totally get it. But maybe if vanilla people realized how many people they come across each day that live the BDSM lifestyle and how normal we all are it would change.

As scary as it is to think about being so open and the consequences that come with those actions maybe we need to be bolder. Every once in awhile I say something that lets the cat out of the bag. I did it just the other day. I was at the ER and a guy asked to sit next to me and referred to me not biting. I replied only if I’m asked to. His eyebrows rose and he replied hell yeah. I know not all of us can do this for various reasons…family…job…etc. And I’m one of them for good reason. And shame isn’t why. All the people in my life that are not judgmental know. That includes my mother. But not all of us have this brick wall closing us in. So maybe we should speak out and educate the vanilla public on the facts. We aren’t crazy or monsters waiting to attach. What we do in our bedroom is no different than the choices they make in theirs. And the people that practice the BDSM lifestyle might surprise you. We are moms, dads, doctors, lawyers, judges, etc. Not some crazy maniac waiting in the darkness to attach unsuspecting victims at will.

I’ll get off my soapbox and get to what I really wanted this blog to be about.

What a Submissive ISN’T…

1Untitled

We aren’t weak at all. In fact most subs are some of the strongest people out there. They run their own businesses and most are alphas by day. A weak sub won’t find a good Dom that is the slightest bit interested. Doms don’t want someone that will bend to their every whim. They want someone that will bend because they choose to. A Dom gets nothing from a weak sub. Dominance is a challenge and with a weak sub that challenge is lost.

You will find I’m a very strong and independent person. I would never allow anyone to come in and take over my life. By day I run my own business and after my day is done I want to turn over the reins to someone I trust to meet my needs and I strive to meet his. A sub does have some say so in the dynamic. And yes they do as their Dom says but that is after everything is negotiated and a trust bond is formed. Even then we can say no if we feel the need.

11Untitled

Subs aren’t mindless beings that need someone to tell them when…how…and where to do things. Most subs are highly educated go-getters. They have high power jobs and don’t need someone to lead the way. This idea is a total misconception.

I’m an educated person and make my ideas well known. Like with this blog post for example. A mindless sub couldn’t step out and voice their thoughts and opinions. Being a sub does not stop you from being you. It just enhances you in many wonderful ways. I’m no ones robot.

2Untitled

Being a sub isn’t a mental illness any more than having vanilla sex is a mental illness. There have been studies that have proven that it isn’t a mental illness. If you have a therapist that says it is then you need to find a new one that knows their stuff about the BDSM lifestyle. And yes they are out there.

I have suffered with depression my whole life. I do what I need to do keep it under control. But let me say that I had this issue when I led a vanilla lifestyle and it has eased sense I have accepted who I am and what makes me happy. Did BDSM make me better? No, but allowing myself to just go with what makes me happy has been a beautiful thing. It was about the acceptance of myself not the lifestyle. I would never tell someone that BDSM will change their life for the better. It won’t treat your mental issues.

3

Being a sub has nothing to do with low self-esteem. We are some of the most confident and strong willed people you will meet. Most subs would be totally offended by this statement. It says we are just weak doormats that can’t love ourselves. This is so far from the truth.

I admit at times I get down on myself but I think we all do. But to be really honest I hold myself in high esteem. I know that I am talented…a good mother…a great sub, etc. Not that I’m tooting my own horn but I don’t put myself down and berate myself constantly. So low self-esteem isn’t a good quality for a sub. We need to be strong, confident and in control of our outlook on ourselves. Doms don’t like weak women that constantly need to be reassured that we are okay. They want a woman that holds her head high and carries herself with confidence.

 

5Untitled

Now this one I will break down a bit. What the average person’s idea on abuse is can be very different than the way a sub looks at this topic.

Most subs know the difference between abuse and dominance. With abuse there is no safe word and no negotiations. Abusers don’t care about the person they control by force. They take what they want and don’t care who they hurt in the process. A good Dom doesn’t act this way. If yours does then there is a serious problem. You need to rethink the dynamic. This is not the actions of a good Dom.

An educated sub knows that they have options and can change their minds. Now I’m not saying to abuse your safe word but knowing you have one and it will be respected is key. One of the biggest ways to avoid abuse it to play with people you know. Never trust someone you just met to tie you up and then be at their mercy. That is just common sense but it is worth saying.

For me abuse can happen in a lot of different ways. If you are not respected or you don’t get options well that is abuse. If your safe word is ignored then that is a huge red flag. No one should be in fear at any time in a D’s relationship. It should be a very trusting and nurturing experience. Not one you dread.

4Untitled

A D’s relationship is about a power exchange. We decide who…when…where. And we also decide on who we will give this power over to. To say a sub is powerless is a vanilla way of seeing things with blinders on. A good Dom only has as much power as the sub is willing to give up. Don’t get confused about the sub listening and following their Dom’s directions. No, that is after a Dom has proven himself to be worthy and the sub trust him to her very soul. Just remember it is a power exhange and those two words say it all.

My closing thoughts…

I thrive with a good Dom at my side. But I have to have a Dom that I can trust whole-heartedly. If the trust isn’t there then I move on. See I make the decision on the Dom I choose to trust and let into my bed. But I also enjoy my total submission to the right Dom. It is a fifty-fifty decision until a meeting of the minds happens. Then the beauty of submission begins.

Play Safe,

SK

1Smittinkittinn

 

Advertisements

Smittinkittinn is a Submissive

1Smittinkittinn

 

Kitten is a submissive. Lord Unicron is her guide on this journey to find her place in the BDSM world. In her normal everyday life she is a very strong woman that runs her own Graphic Design business and strives for perfection in everything she does. Sometime too much.

Kitten also writes erotic paranormal suspense novels. Even in her writing she pushes her characters to the very edge of darkness. A strong alpha male is always at the center of every story she writes.

She thrives on the relationship between her and Lord Unicron. She can be herself around him. No worries of being made to feel her urges and needs are not normal or are wrong. He encourages her to share all her deep dark secrets and reassures her none of her secret thoughts or needs is anything to feel ashamed of or self-conscious about. She has hidden her needs for way too long and with Lord Unicron she can finally let the tigress out of her cage.

I’m Kitten and as far as who I am in the BDSM world, it’s still up for debate. I know in my heart of hearts I am a sub. This just comes naturally to me. I think it comes from having to be a strong go-getter that makes taking on the sub role so easy. In my down time I don’t want to be in charge. I need to turn the reins over to someone else. I have been very lucky to find Unicron. He helps guide me and teach me the way of submission. I am a treasure to Unicron but don’t for one second think he is a push over in any form. He rules with a stern hand and a caring heart.

Pleasing Unicron brings me great joy. Please know I’m not a damsel in distress that needs to be saved. I’ve chosen this lifestyle of my own free will. No one in Unicron’s house is mistreated or abused in any way. He is kind and worries about his three girls more than we worry about our selves. How he balances three is beyond me but I am thankful everyday that he is part of my world. And yes he has become a huge part of my world.

Then there are the other women in the house. (Sparrow and Skwirly) Most women would be jealous and I’m sure we all have our moments, but for the most part we love each other very much. I don’t see competition. I see sisters that talk often and care deeply for each other. But the three of us respect each other’s time with Unicron. And because of that we seem to be able to make it work.

Below you can see test results from the BDSM Test. Gives a little insight into who I am.

Test results

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==

98% Submissive

98% Rope Bunny

80% Voyeur

72% Experimentalist

65% Masochist

53% Slave

52% Primal (Prey)

46% Non-monogamist

25% Exhibitionist

14% Vanilla

13% Brat

8% Girl/Boy

7% Pet

4% Degradee

1% Rigger

1% Primal (Hunter)

1% Switch

0% Dominant

0% Sadist

0% Master/Mistress

0% Degrader

0% Brat Tamer

0% Daddy/Mommy

0% Owner

0% Ageplayer

See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=1630595

I know some may think Kitten… so original. Right? I didn’t take the name on to be cute but because it falls right into place with who I am. I have always found cats to be very sensual, intelligent and strong forces of nature. And I would like to think I possess some of those admiral traits. Plus I resonate strongly as primal. This fits me perfectly. I look for a partner that I can lose total control with and let the animal side of me loose. This kitty has claws and will bite. To be able to release this side of me is very freeing. Not everyone is as lucky as I am to find a man that accepts me for who I am and not what he wants me to be. This is who I am and now I feel I have the right to be the primal sex Kitten I have always felt I was and no more hiding for this kitty. She is sharpening her claws and is ready to pounce.

Don’t forget to stop by Covert and Carnal for all your erotic needs. We have something for everyone’s taste. Here is a beautiful collar for that special someone.

I just love this collar.

40144-alt

Visit our site for many other products to spice things up.

Please come by every Saturday as I share my journey with our readers. Feel free to leave comments or ask questions. I look forward to all reader’s comments and will check in periodically.

Don’t forget to follow the blog and our Twitter feed.

Smittinkittinn’s Twitter

Until Next Saturday,

Smittinkittinn

Freaky Friday: A Day In The Life Of A Master

by Lord Unicron

“How you keep up with all three of us is beyond me,” Kitten said to me last night on Facebook, referring to herself, Skwirly and Sparrow.

My tongue-in-cheek answer? “Phenomenal Cosmic Powers!”

But in reality, and all kidding aside, some days I don’t know either.

Polyamory sounds awesome, and in a lot of ways it is. Being a Master sounds like nearly every red-blooded American male’s fantasy, and in a lot of ways it is. (Don’t worry, male subs, I know you’re out there. Just so happens that this isn’t your part of the show.) I have THREE, count ‘em, THREE amazing women who love and care for me, and who are loved and cared for in return. I get to pamper, spoil, discipline and have my way with them more or less at my will and whim. They’ve chosen to unite under my banner, and most of the time that’s a damned heady feeling.

Yes, stalking around at the dungeon, being waited on hand and foot by women who disrobe and clothe themselves at my command, choosing which props I want to use on this woman or that tonight, is an incredible power high unto itself. Being called “Sir,” “Sire” or “Master,” depending upon the level and intensity of the relationship, is an aphrodisiac. Knowing any one of these women will gladly take anything I need to dish out in order to show their unswerving trust, loyalty and love for me borders on the line between ecstatic euphoria and heartbreaking pain.

And then there’s the other side of it.

Consider that I, as Head and Lord of House Unicron, have three different women. That’s three different sets of personalities, feelings, needs, issues, triggers, physical problems and desires to manage and keep straight all in one place at one time. (Said place being my head.) That’s three very dynamic, strong women to command and control, because I am stern enough to weed out weakness or “doormats” pretty much immediately. “Surrender of the weak is no prize,” Master Cavalier told me more than once, and he was absolutely right. This also means that some days I have to deal with three different iterations of recalcitrant, bratty, bitchy or just outright belligerent behavior stemming from illness, poor sleep, a bad day or just waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

Now consider that not only do I have to manage all that from three separate people. I also must manage my relationship with each of them and their relationships with one another and the House as a whole. This increases the level of difficulty geometrically until some days I feel like I’m playing relationship Russian roulette on god mode. (If you’ve never played God of War, you may not get the reference.) Instead of

1 + 1 +1 +1 = 4

the math actually goes more like

x+x+x+x = x+2x+7x+15x=1

where each additional person increases the level of complication by their integer, and the net result is (or should be) a single, united House. The reason for this is not because I’m calling my girls “complications.” If I really felt that way about them, they would not remain.

I start with my relationship to myself, x. Now here comes Skwirly. There is now our relationship, her relationship with herself and my relationship with myself, so total of 3x.

Sparrow adds another degree of complexity, because there is her relationship to herself, her relationship to me, her relationship to Skwirly, the other people’s relationships with her and the relationship to this gestalt thing that we have created, thus an additional 4x for a total of 7x.

Now Kitten enters the equation and has her own x, plus her relationship to me, plus her relationship with Skwirly, plus her relationship with Sparrow, plus her relationship to the House as a whole. Then each of the other three relationships must be viewed from the other side and in relation to themselves as unique people as well, bringing us to 15x.

Imagine, if you dare, having a fourth added into the mix. I get a nosebleed and need to lie down for a solid hour in a dark room until the swimming sensation in my head passes just from trying to even attempt the calculations!

The “1” in this equation is the entire point  and purpose of the exercise: a whole, unified House that moves in concert under one person’s direction and guidance. In this paradigm, that person is me. However, I am bound even more heavily than my girls are, because of the nature of my position.

As Head, Lord, Master, Dom, etc., my primary task is to make sure my girls feel safe and secure physically, mentally and emotionally. This means I need to be equally ready to dispense a gentle embrace, reasoned advice, encouragement, empathy, stern commands or anything else the situation may call for. That’s a full-time job in itself!

My next task is that of arbiter and lawmaker. The rules of House Unicron are based on common sense, consideration, respect for oneself and the other members of the House and an ongoing commitment to ensuring that my girls are made more, not less, by their association with me and my House. This means that I must serve as the ideal example for the rules I set, because if I don’t live by the code of conduct I have laid out, I have NO business ordering them to. I have to be scrupulously firm, fair and consistent in my dealings, ensuring that my girls all get more or less equal time, attention and care. I cannot let the hand with which I wield the authority they have invested in me get too heavy or my ego or temper (both of which I freely confess I possess rather more than my fair share of) get the better of my judgment. I must be patient, which I admit has never been one of my strong suits, especially when my temper is aroused.

Finally, I must dispense both rewards and discipline as per the rules. I cannot, do not and will not give discipline when I am angry or upset, nor do I reward bad behavior. Therefore, I am in a constant state of evaluation of my girls and their relative conduct both in public and private, to address their actions appropriately and at a time and place propitious to doing so. Brattiness and joking around are one thing in the car or in private, but in public, particularly in the kink scene, I have very little (read: zero) tolerance for that. In public, my House moves as one. My word is law and that’s that for that. Thus any public show of defiance is dealt with far more harshly than a similar slip behind closed doors. Equally, when my girls behave in a way that I find especially pleasing, I must ensure they receive a reward commensurate with my pleasure.

Does this sound like a lot of work?

I can assure you it is. My day normally starts between 8 and 9am, and between vanilla life, prosaic matters such as work and dealing with my own needs and wants, it’s a rare night when I’m in bed before the next day has officially started, and my girls are usually in bed and asleep or on final approach to it well before I am. As the Head of my House, I don’t get “days off.” I’m NEVER fully “off the clock,” even when I’m sleeping.

It’s a hell of a LOT of work!

But you know what else it is?

It’s probably the most fulfilling, satisfying job I’ve ever had. Watching three strong, willful, beautiful women grow into more confident, self-loving, powerful, sensual beings under my guidance and care is such a uniquely powerful feeling that I can compare it to nothing else I’ve ever known in my life. To see these same women kneel before me because they find me worthy of such adulation makes all the work well worthwhile. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t do it. The dungeons, munches, kink events and play parties I attend with my girls is my reward for all the juggling, balancing, patience and effort I put into managing my House. The nights where I order my girls to transform (that’s “strip,” to you) for anything I may choose to do to them and they do it without question or hesitation are the nights I get to blow off steam and unleash my wolf for a while. Sometimes my wolf looks more like one of these little guys…

 

puppy-scratching-photo-is-public-domain

What…you thought being a Master was all whips and chains?

…but that’s another story.

Sure, every so often I declare a day to recharge my batteries and restock my supply of spoons. These are the days I catch up on my reading, do completely non-BDSM, non-House-related things and trust that everyone else, being grown adults who managed to make it to their respective ages without my assistance and input, can surely make it through one day without me constantly on their asses about this and that. Of course, even then I watch carefully for emails or texts or phone calls that warn me something is amiss to such a degree that my “me time” needs to take a backseat to the emergency du jour. Those days are especially pleasant because they are so rare and thus valuable.

And you know something?

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Thank you very much for coming by. I hope you found this post enlightening and entertaining. I would love to hear your comments and opinions on what your typical day is like as a D-type, or if you’re an s-type, how does your D-type deal with these responsibilities? And please don’t forget to come by Tuesday, when I’ll be talking about how (and why) to give a proper erotic spanking!

Warmly,

Lord Unicron

I’ve always believed that the best chains exist in the mind and heart. Once these are forged, physical restraints become largely unnecessary. Still, sometimes there’s no substitute for some good, old-fashioned rope! If you don’t have any, you should have some in your toy bag, and you rope aficionados already know there’s no such thing as too much. Click here to start or enhance your rope play kit!