What a Submissive Isn’t

Lets just start with we are not damsels in distress…so please stop trying to save us. We aren’t tied to the train tracks screaming for help. I can guarantee you that if we are tied to the tracks we are just where we want to be and loving every moment of it.

The Sub stereotype of being mistreated really rubs me the wrong way. We aren’t scared little girls in need of a hero.

And then there is the Dom stereotype of being an abuser. They aren’t bad guys lurking in alleys waiting to grab the first unsuspecting woman that comes along.

As sad as it is…this is our reality. Not in the sense that we practice these types of things but because vanilla society refuses to try to educate themselves on our lifestyle. Before they make a judgment on who we are and what we practice they should find info on how things in the BDSM lifestyle really work. Most would be very surprised on what they find.

That is the reason I write blogs and journal entries like these. Not to complain but to get as much good info out there as we can. I also think part of the problem is that we keep so tight to our circles that outsiders don’t see how we interact. Now don’t get me wrong I know why we do this and I totally get it. But maybe if vanilla people realized how many people they come across each day that live the BDSM lifestyle and how normal we all are it would change.

As scary as it is to think about being so open and the consequences that come with those actions maybe we need to be bolder. Every once in awhile I say something that lets the cat out of the bag. I did it just the other day. I was at the ER and a guy asked to sit next to me and referred to me not biting. I replied only if I’m asked to. His eyebrows rose and he replied hell yeah. I know not all of us can do this for various reasons…family…job…etc. And I’m one of them for good reason. And shame isn’t why. All the people in my life that are not judgmental know. That includes my mother. But not all of us have this brick wall closing us in. So maybe we should speak out and educate the vanilla public on the facts. We aren’t crazy or monsters waiting to attach. What we do in our bedroom is no different than the choices they make in theirs. And the people that practice the BDSM lifestyle might surprise you. We are moms, dads, doctors, lawyers, judges, etc. Not some crazy maniac waiting in the darkness to attach unsuspecting victims at will.

I’ll get off my soapbox and get to what I really wanted this blog to be about.

What a Submissive ISN’T…

We aren’t weak at all. In fact most subs are some of the strongest people out there. They run their own businesses and most are alphas by day. A weak sub won’t find a good Dom that is the slightest bit interested. Doms don’t want someone that will bend to their every whim. They want someone that will bend because they choose to. A Dom gets nothing from a weak sub. Dominance is a challenge and with a weak sub that challenge is lost.

You will find I’m a very strong and independent person. I would never allow anyone to come in and take over my life. By day I run my own business and after my day is done I want to turn over the reins to someone I trust to meet my needs and I strive to meet his. A sub does have some say so in the dynamic. And yes they do as their Dom says but that is after everything is negotiated and a trust bond is formed. Even then we can say no if we feel the need.

Subs aren’t mindless beings that need someone to tell them when…how…and where to do things. Most subs are highly educated go-getters. They have high power jobs and don’t need someone to lead the way. This idea is a total misconception.

I’m an educated person and make my ideas well known. Like with this blog post for example. A mindless sub couldn’t step out and voice their thoughts and opinions. Being a sub does not stop you from being you. It just enhances you in many wonderful ways. I’m no ones robot.

Being a sub isn’t a mental illness any more than having vanilla sex is a mental illness. There have been studies that have proven that it isn’t a mental illness. If you have a therapist that says it is then you need to find a new one that knows their stuff about the BDSM lifestyle. And yes they are out there.

I have suffered with depression my whole life. I do what I need to do keep it under control. But let me say that I had this issue when I led a vanilla lifestyle and it has eased sense I have accepted who I am and what makes me happy. Did BDSM make me better? No, but allowing myself to just go with what makes me happy has been a beautiful thing. It was about the acceptance of myself not the lifestyle. I would never tell someone that BDSM will change their life for the better. It won’t treat your mental issues.

Being a sub has nothing to do with low self-esteem. We are some of the most confident and strong willed people you will meet. Most subs would be totally offended by this statement. It says we are just weak doormats that can’t love ourselves. This is so far from the truth.

I admit at times I get down on myself but I think we all do. But to be really honest I hold myself in high esteem. I know that I am talented…a good mother…a great sub, etc. Not that I’m tooting my own horn but I don’t put myself down and berate myself constantly. So low self-esteem isn’t a good quality for a sub. We need to be strong, confident and in control of our outlook on ourselves. Doms don’t like weak women that constantly need to be reassured that we are okay. They want a woman that holds her head high and carries herself with confidence.

 

Now this one I will break down a bit. What the average person’s idea on abuse is can be very different than the way a sub looks at this topic.

Most subs know the difference between abuse and dominance. With abuse there is no safe word and no negotiations. Abusers don’t care about the person they control by force. They take what they want and don’t care who they hurt in the process. A good Dom doesn’t act this way. If yours does then there is a serious problem. You need to rethink the dynamic. This is not the actions of a good Dom.

An educated sub knows that they have options and can change their minds. Now I’m not saying to abuse your safe word but knowing you have one and it will be respected is key. One of the biggest ways to avoid abuse it to play with people you know. Never trust someone you just met to tie you up and then be at their mercy. That is just common sense but it is worth saying.

For me abuse can happen in a lot of different ways. If you are not respected or you don’t get options well that is abuse. If your safe word is ignored then that is a huge red flag. No one should be in fear at any time in a D’s relationship. It should be a very trusting and nurturing experience. Not one you dread.

A D’s relationship is about a power exchange. We decide who…when…where. And we also decide on who we will give this power over to. To say a sub is powerless is a vanilla way of seeing things with blinders on. A good Dom only has as much power as the sub is willing to give up. Don’t get confused about the sub listening and following their Dom’s directions. No, that is after a Dom has proven himself to be worthy and the sub trust him to her very soul. Just remember it is a power exhange and those two words say it all.

My closing thoughts…

I thrive with a good Dom at my side. But I have to have a Dom that I can trust whole-heartedly. If the trust isn’t there then I move on. See I make the decision on the Dom I choose to trust and let into my bed. But I also enjoy my total submission to the right Dom. It is a fifty-fifty decision until a meeting of the minds happens. Then the beauty of submission begins.

Play Safe,

SK

 

#FreakyFriday: What’s In A Name? Pt. 2

by Lord Unicron

A note about pronouns and other forms of address before I begin:

As a male, cisgendered, heterosexual D-type, I only take female submissives on. Because of this, I tend to refer to s-types using female pronouns and D-types using male pronouns. As with everything else I write, these pronouns should be taken to refer ONLY to the dynamics within House Unicron and varied as appropriate to your specific dynamic, gender and orientation or lack of same. (i.e. If you are a female D-type with a coterie of male s-types, flip the script as appropriate for your own situation.) In this same spirit, while I refer to my submissives as “my girls,” they are in fact WOMEN in every sense of the word. Each and every one of them is a strong, capable female in her own right, makes her own way in the world and has earned the right to my time, care, attention, discipline and love by demonstrating the genuine maturity, desire and will to become the best woman and submissive she can be. I say this only because I would not be misunderstood as to my meaning or stance on these forms of address, and wish to clarify my position accordingly at the outset.

With that disclaimer out of the way:

House Unicron is a hierarchical polyamorous House. What this means is, I have three girls as of this writing, each of whom inhabits a specific place and role within the House “on paper.” In actuality, the roles are a little more fluid, based upon who has the greatest need of my time, care, attention and discipline at any given moment. The hierarchy I have established serves my needs and that of my girls, and establishes a progression based upon seniority, training and ongoing role negotiation. I do not give my girls anything. Collars, names and position are not bestowed as a matter of right within my House. Everything they have and receive from me, they earn, for better or worse, and the House hierarchy reflects this and their individual standings. On paper, the organization of the House runs as follows:

Myself (Lord Unicron)

Skwirly: As the first slave of House Unicron, she is considered the Primary. All within the House are expected to defer to her judgment and will in matters where I have placed her in charge and/or where I am not available for immediate consultation. In practice, this rarely becomes an issue as her permanent address is 1,000 miles away. She enjoys the most leeway but the least margin for error of my girls. She addresses me as “Master.”

Sparrow: Sparrow inhabits a role somewhere between a full slave and a mere submissive. She is Secondary on paper, but in practice serves as my right hand on matters regarding training and House management, because she has spent more continuous time on both sides of the slash than anyone else in the House and demonstrates sound judgment in such matters. She enjoys a longer leash but less leeway than Skwirly. She addresses me as “Sire.”

Kitten: Kitten is the newest addition to House Unicron, and is Tertiary and my submissive in training. As such, she has the most room for error, but the shortest leash. She is still learning about herself and what she needs and wants out of the lifestyle, and I am deeply honored that she and her sisters within the House have chosen me to guide in their explorations. She addresses me as “Sir” or “Daddy,” depending upon the situation.

These names often make people do a double-take, especially when they know the provenance of my own lifestyle name. Names like “Cyclonus,” “Shockwave” and so on would be perfectly apropos. By contrast, you may notice that all my girls have animal names, and not just any animals, but CUTE animals, goddamnit! There’s a reason for this, of course, and I’ll explain what that reason is now.

As we discussed on #TastyTuesday, naming and titling conventions are largely meaningless. They are labels that serve as a convenient shorthand, but they frequently miss the mark, or at best give a very one-dimensional view of the person to whom the name, label or title is attached.

HOWEVER…

When it comes to naming my submissives, I don’t believe this at all.

A double standard, you say? Au contraire, mon cher ami!

Like many D-types, I hold to the tradition of giving my girls “House names” by which they are known both within the House and in the broader context of the lifestyle. I also believe, like many people do, that names have a unique power all their own that is largely independent of the precise configuration of letters and phonemes of which the names consist. Therefore, I believe that the naming of a submissive is something to be undertaken with exacting care and precision.

Like most of my conventions, the reason for this is simple if not immediately obvious.

A SUBMISSIVE’S NAME SHOULD REFLECT HER PERSONALITY AND THE PERSON AND WOMAN SHE IS, AS WELL AS WHAT SHE WISHES TO BE OR EVOLVE INTO.

Now, other D-types have their own conventions. So long as everyone involved in a particular dynamic is on board with a given handle, it’s not my place to say whether this is right or wrong. As a matter of personal belief and opinion, I feel that a submissive’s name should describe, at a minimum, the following:

1. The name should reflect her both as she is and as she is viewed by her D-type.
2. The name should reflect her primary personality traits and worldview.
3. The name should reflect something she strives to be, become or attain.
4. The name should NOT degrade or humiliate her.

Example: I often tell my girls, “You are not a slut or a whore. You are MY slut and MY whore. There is a difference.” Thus, in the context of a scene, I may refer to my girls as bitches and their lady bits as my cunts. I may call them my cock-sucking cum sluts. I may say things in scene that I would never consider issuing from my mouth outside of those confines. However, outside of those confines, I need a name for each of my girls which is socially acceptable (pet names being a common usage even in vanilla relationships) but still reinforces the dynamic and her place within the House.

More importantly, it is my belief that a woman who chooses to submit to her D-type is worthy of the utmost respect and care. This sounds counterintuitive until you remember that in addition to being a cisgendered male, a D-type and a Sadist, I am also a feminist. I believe a woman should not be forced to do anything…UNLESS she willingly, enthusiastically and voluntarily chooses to adopt such a dynamic. Therefore, a name is the first and most evident criterion for how a D-type conducts himself with his s-types and what she can expect from him in terms of care, devotion and guidance, to my way of thinking.

Sparrow’s first D-type promptly christened her “Cumdrop.” Well and so: She belonged to him at the time and that was the form of address they negotiated, so I won’t bother to second-guess his reasons. Still, when she told me this on our first meeting, my response was a hard flinch and an immediate resolution to do better. She wanted to lose weight. She identified with birds. She has a cute, independent streak. Thus, Sparrow. As an interesting side note, she had been considering a tattoo of a sparrow for a year before we met, and I was pleased to be at her side when she finally got it done in February. It looks amazing, and if you should happen to see us at our favorite dungeon, you’ll get plenty of opportunities to see it “in the flesh,” as it were.

Skwirly was named for her somewhat skittish but playful personality, as well as a sketch from The Swedish Chef. Look it up on Youtube: “swedish chef squirrel stew.” Likewise, Kitten was named for her catlike (not catty) traits, a theme which has followed her through most of her adult life in one way or another.

This contrast between the hardness of my own name and the softness of theirs speaks to their personalities and my belief that as their D-type, it is incumbent upon me to ensure that I conduct myself as their protector, caretaker, disciplinarian, guide, teacher, shelter from life’s storms and giver of both pain and pleasure when necessary and as appropriate. Thus, I must be “harder” than they are and yet capable of giving them my softer side as well.

Names are just one of the many command and control mechanisms at a D-type’s disposal, but I happen to believe they are perhaps the most critical right from the outset. In addition to establishing their positions beneath myself, they also indicate that you see your s-type for who and what she is and honor her for these things. To do less, in my opinion, is to do yourself, your s-type(s) and your House a grave disservice. A name is the most important gift you can give your s-type, and it is not something that should be undertaken lightly.

What are your naming conventions? How do you decide what your s-type’s name should be? Do you keep it only behind closed doors, or do you introduce her publicly under the name you have negotiated? Please leave a comment below, and be sure to check out our Grand Opening Blog Hop by clicking the ad on the right!

Until Tuesday,

Best,

Lord Unicron

You don’t have to have a cute name to bring out the animal in your s-type.

#FreakyFriday: 10 Things To Do When Consent Is Violated

by Lord Unicron

A note regarding the featured image: This image was originally featured on EverydayFeminism.com for an article that discusses the “gray area myth” of consent. Neither I nor Covert and Carnal own the rights to this image, and it is included here for educational, non-profit use and illustration only as provided for under US fair use laws.

There are very few absolutes in the kink world. What repulses me may be just the thing that gets every nerve ending in your body singing the Hallelujah chorus. What you as a D-type wouldn’t do to your s-type in your darkest, most depraved nightmares I may do to my s-type just because it’s Tuesday night and I’m bored. You may like pee, scat or whatever; I want no part of either of them. You and your s-type may like to play so hard one or both of you is bleeding at the end. Blood’s a hard limit for me.

AND THAT’S FINE!

But when it comes to consent, I do think there should be a uniform standard of behavior for how consent violations (CVs from here) are dealt with by both parties. What follows is the protocol I follow for dealing with CVs. If you have a better, more effective or more efficient way, please leave a comment at the end of the post to present your point of view for discussion! I am not the sole repository of all knowledge and wisdom regarding kink, nor do I pretend to be. There is always a better way out there if you’re willing to look hard enough, and for all my experience, I am constantly seeking out new things. Your help in this endeavor is appreciated, as I wish to learn as much or more than I teach!

I talked on Tuesday about my hard limits, and my personal parameters by which they are set and enforced. Today, I want to look at ways to deal with CVs on both sides of the slash, in an appropriate, reasoned and mature fashion. The idea is not to put anyone on the defensive, but to make it clear that certain acts or behaviors are not okay. And, since it’s Friday, I figured a “listicle” is about due. Let’s take a closer look at 10 things to do when consent is violated.

*Note: Everything following goes for both sides of the slash, unless specifically noted.

For the recipient

Stop CVs before they start.

Having a clearly defined set of hard limits is never a bad idea. These should be reviewed as an ongoing part of your negotiations, regardless of which side of the slash you occupy. Having them in writing tends to lend them a little authority and a certain frisson of seriousness that expressing them verbally doesn’t seem to convey. Make sure your partner is clear on your hard limits as they apply to the scene or relationship before you ever get started. This is one case where an ounce of prevention is worth a metric fuckton of cure.

Stop the scene!

I’m using “scene” here to mean a kink scene, a conversation or any other interaction where hard limits could be violated (which is ALL of them), so adjust as appropriate. This is a good time to reiterate that PEOPLE SCREW UP! D-types do it. So do s-types. It’s called being human. However, just because you’re in the middle of a scene, conversation or what have you does not mean that consent violations should not be addressed right away, if at all possible. Obviously it’s hard to give a safeword when you’ve got a ball gag in your mouth and you’re trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey, but you should still have a way to stop the scene. For scenes involving gags, a quick, short series of grunts may be an alternative. “Three grunts means RED, right?” However you do it, stop the scene as soon as you can. Sooner is better!

Stay calm.

There are some times and situations where this isn’t possible. No one expects an s-type to stay calm when a dragon tail opens her back to the bone and she’s bleeding all over Hell’s half-acre, nor is it reasonable to expect a D-type to be chill when the s-type does something that causes a panic attack. However, when and where possible, staying calm and collected while being firm about the scene needing to stop while the problem is dealt with is the best way to resolve the situation before it has a chance to escalate into something really ugly.

Explain exactly what the violation was.

Phrasing the violation the right way can solve a host of problems right away. I find it useful to explain the violation like so: “When you ________, it makes me feel __________. It’s hurtful, harmful and one of my hard limits. Can you explain why you chose to do that?” This gives the other party an opportunity to understand where you’re coming from and make a sincere apology and/or present any ameliorating facts. Understanding your partner’s headspace and how they understood the information you conveyed can help both of you reach a deeper understanding. This is not always appropriate or desirable, but when possible, it’s better to seek common ground than to go off half-cocked.

Use your judgment and your words.

If the violation is severe enough to warrant immediate action, take it. Explain clearly and succinctly why the violation is beyond your tolerance and what remedial action, if any, must be undertaken. In cases where the violation is serious enough to warrant an immediate termination of the relationship, saying something like “You knew X was a hard limit of mine. You chose to break it. I cannot trust you and do not wish to continue this with you, because you have made it clear that my hard limits are a secondary consideration for you.” Once you do this, stick to your guns. Especially if there is an ongoing pattern of behavior, this may be the only way to make the point that the behavior is unacceptable. Always remember Maya Angelou’s words: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

ONLY YOU CAN SAY WHAT CONSTITUTES A FORGIVABLE VERSUS AN UNFORGIVABLE BREACH OF LIMITS. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO A PERSON WHO WILLFULLY CHOOSES TO HURT THEM IN A WAY THAT CANNOT BE READILY HEALED.

For the violator:

Safewords mean STOP.

Either side may invoke the safeword in a scene. D-types often forget that they have just as much right to end a scene as the s-type does. Safewords or other indicators that the scene needs to end must be honored by both sides if they are to have any meaning at all. If the scene is halted, there is a reason.

Check in immediately.

When the scene stops, the first question to ask is, “Are you okay? What do you need?” The person who didn’t call the safeword should be the one to ask this question, because no one calls red “just cuz.”

Stay calm.

Having a scene ended prematurely can sometimes trigger an anger response. This is understandable. However, when the safeword is given, it is important to remember that you and your partner agreed to stop the scene if necessary. Just because you don’t think anything happened that warranted ending the scene does not make you right. Remain calm and collected, instead of throwing a fit.

Listen to what you’re being told.

No one likes being told they screwed up. That’s human nature. However, you owe it to your partner to listen without judgment and try to put yourself in their place. If your hard limits overlap your partner’s and you broke them, it’s on you to muster the empathy to be able to see it from their side without trying to jump to your own defense until you have all the information. Communication consists at least as much in listening as it does in saying your piece.

Comply or begone.

Once you have all the information, if the violation is not egregious enough to warrant someone walking out the door, you now have a choice to make: comply or begone. This may mean something as simple as, “I’m sorry and that won’t happen again,” followed by starting aftercare. It could be as big as the other person walking away permanently. Everyone makes mistakes and errors in judgment, especially in the heat of the moment. There is a difference between this and acting with deliberate, malicious intent. Any relationship where both partners are not scrupulously honest with themselves and their partners about their actions and motivations is by definition toxic. Regardless of the side of the slash you occupy, if you cannot be honest with yourself and your partner, and/or cannot and/or will not comply with their hard limits in order to make your play and relationship a safe place for both sides to explore and grow, then you need not be there. This is one of the few situations in which everything is black and white, in my opinion.

THERE ARE NO SHADES OF GRAY WHEN IT COMES TO CONSENT.

Having said all this, I’m curious to hear what your experiences with and opinions about consent are. Please leave a comment below! If you prefer, you may email covertandcarnal@gmail.com to speak to the staff, or send me a message directly at iamlordunicron@gmail.com. Please check back on #TastyTuesday to see what next week’s discussion is, stay kinky and have a safe and sexy weekend!

Best,

Lord Unicron

 

#TastyTuesday: A Question Of Consent

by Lord Unicron

I’m going to go in a slightly different direction this week, because I want to talk about something that is CRITICALLY important to the health and safety of everyone in a D/s relationship, as well as the wider community:

CONSENT

Consent is the foundation of everything that a healthy relationship should be. This is equally true of the person you meet on Match.com or the person you beat on at the dungeon. In the BDSM lifestyle, consent is all-important because it can make the difference between a successful scene that grants the physical and emotional release both sides desire and a dangerous debacle, complete with legal entanglements and lasting physical, emotional and psychological damage or even death.

There are a lot of ways to violate consent. While the community often buzzes about D-types who break boundaries, little if anything is ever said about s-types who do the same. Granted, this is because when a D-type does it, it’s usually in a big, splashy way and all too often occurs in front of witnesses. Consent violations that happen from the s-side of the slash are usually subtler and much less overt. There can also be a question in the D-type’s mind of whether or not what happened was an “according to Hoyle” consent violation in the first place.

The other problem is, s-types are encouraged to talk about consent violations. Most of the time, there’s no negative impetus against the s-type for doing so. When community “leaders” are implicated in CVs, as I’m going to refer to them from here on to try to do my carpal tunnel syndrome a favor, this can be a definite negative against the s-type, because supporters tend to rally around “pillars of the community,” no matter what community we’re talking about. But there is minimal support or sympathy in the community for D-types whose consent has been violated. This is one place where the illusion of control that the D-type supposedly has works against them.

Neither side of the slash is immune from bad behavior!!!!

I cannot stress this point enough. It does not matter who did it. CVs are devastating to both sides and to the trust they’ve built with each other. A D-type who deliberately draws blood or engages in sexual contact with an s-type when that was either not negotiated or set as a hard limit is and should rightly be called out as a predator, and I will never argue that point. Likewise, accidents and misunderstandings can and do happen. A cursory glance at the writings on FetLife can tell you this, and the Web is chock full of horror stories about how misunderstandings can get out of hand. I’m not talking about accidents or miscues here, but willful, deliberate, premeditated choices to commit a CV on the other person.

A D-type beating an s-type until she’s bloody, ignoring a safeword or doing something that another person clearly heard the two negotiating as out of bounds is obvious, and D-types who do this can and should be called to account for it. But what would a CV from the s-side look like? How can you tell if it’s happening?

Note: The following are real-life examples I have either had done to me or witnessed at firsthand. I will not name names, but the guilty parties know full well who they are and I do not currently speak to or acknowledge them in any way. I do not and will not endorse CVs on either side, and this includes tolerating around me those who I know for a fact to have engaged in same.

Exhibit A: An s-type at a party I attended some months ago did not make a full disclosure of substances she had partaken in some hours before a rope scene. She had eaten a doughnut as her sustenance for an entire day, and then washed down a painkiller with a very strong cocktail. Fortunately, the D-type doing the tying (not me) noticed that she was acting strange and pulled her out of the scene before things could escalate to a dangerous level. I quickly severed all ties with this s-type, because if she could do it to someone else, she could and most likely would do it to me at some point in the future. Her defense for not giving a complete rundown of her current state before play?

“I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

Now, some readers may be looking at this and thinking I was unduly harsh in my decision to decline to pursue any possibility of playing with this s-type in the future. However, I reject this notion on the grounds that by not giving the D-type a complete precis of her physical, emotional and mental state before pickup play, she took away the D-type’s right to informed consent. Had she admitted her condition, the D-type said, she would never have agreed to the scene in the first place. I consider this to be akin to rape, because in both cases the right to consent and self-determination as to whether the contact in question is appropriate are taken away.

Exhibit B: An s-type whom I loved dearly decided she did not want to be involved with me on a romantic level. Being dumped is always messy, but I tried to make the best of it and remain friends with her. Still, I knew some limits had to be set for this to be a tolerable state of affairs for me. I specified that I did not want to know what she got up to at events or with whom, I didn’t care to see or hear about the marks, and in general the only thing I needed or wanted to know was whether she had a good time. I asked this of her in an effort to preserve my heart, which her rejection had wounded cruelly. She agreed and said she understood.

One week later, she texted me while I was in the bathtub, telling me all about the wonderful pickup play scene she’d had. I told her she was violating my consent and reminded her I didn’t need or want to know. She pursued the conversation. I cut her off.

Over the next two months, we stayed in sporadic contact. She broke every promise she made to me. She still wanted to tell me about the scenes she was having elsewhere. Later, I met another s-type and we went to an event hosted by a friend of hers. I asked her beforehand not to acknowledge me and to keep a safe distance, because I didn’t feel safe or comfortable around her. She agreed to this. No sooner did I walk through the door than I saw her off in a corner, serving coffee. She waved at me.

Her excuse for repeatedly breaking the limits I established?

“But I only did it ONCE!”

Again, none of these on their own sounds like a big deal…until you consider that she managed to find ways to keep herself inconveniently within earshot and line of sight. By 11:30, I’d had enough and my s-type and I departed. I made it half a block before an anxiety attack drove me to my knees, leaving me hyperventilating and exhibiting all the classic symptoms of cardiac arrest. My s-type had dialed “9-1” into her phone by the time I finally got myself under control.

This series of CVs wasn’t grandiose…but it was devastating just the same. And they left me thinking long and hard about how to prevent future occurrences.

Hard Limits

Because of these incidents and a dozen others like them, I changed how I went about expressing what is and is not a consent violation in my estimation. Today, my hard limits are clearly and explicitly stated. I state them right up front in my FetLife profile. I state them on the House Unicron website. I reiterate them constantly in my daily dealings to clarify that no, my limits haven’t changed. I learned to do this the hard way: by experiencing and witnessing CVs often enough and traumatically enough that it made an explicit, black-and-white statement crucial to my ability to function safely and successfully in this lifestyle. They are not flexible and I deal harshly and decisively with those who violate them at this point in the game, because I have seen and experienced the havoc that permitting bad behavior, including CVs, can wreak.

So, here’s my recipe for setting hard limits. Adjust as you see fit for your own purposes.

Know thyself.

You cannot set hard limits if you don’t know what they are. Any behavior that upsets, disgusts, alarms or harms you in ANY dimension should be considered a hard limit. In my case, some of my hard limits seem fairly extreme…until you consider the damage that not having these limits in place has caused in the past. Your hard limits should not only reflect what you expect from others, but what you offer in return.

Be prepared to reciprocate.

Whichever side of the slash you’re on, you do NOT have the right to establish a hard limit that you yourself have no intention of upholding. Double standards can be fun in certain kinds of play, such as a mindfuck, but hard limits are hard limits are hard limits, period, full stop, end of discussion. An s-type can’t insist on a D-type observing and honoring her hard limits and then break his (adjust genders as appropriate for your dynamic and situation) or vice versa. In other words, if you don’t want it done to you, don’t do it to your partner.Yes, this is a reiteration of my previous point…because I happen to think it is THE primary cause of CVs from both sides of the slash.

State your hard limits clearly and explicitly.

Simple, plain English is the rule here. Don’t be coy or use cloaked, coded, flowery or “legal” language to try to get your point across. My hard limits are as simple to read and understand as the Ten Commandments, and are phrased in a way that leaves no question as to my meaning or intent. In fact, the very title, “I DO NOT CONSENT,” states plainly that these are not items for negotiation, discussion or debate. They are what they are, and anyone who wishes to deal with me will honor them.

Be ruthless in your enforcement.

Violate my hard limits and you’re done, plain and simple. No second chances. No protestations of “But I only did it ONCE!” No reprieve, no parole, no mercy. These limits also apply to my dealings in the wider world. I accept that not everyone knows or is aware of my limits, especially in the vanilla world, and so I check those who violate them ONCE and make it clear they do not get a second warning. I enforce my hard limits because they define not only how I expect to be treated, but how I treat others as well: with dignity, honor and respect for their needs, tastes, preferences and feelings. Just like you can’t set a hard limit you won’t honor when it applies to your own behavior, you cannot expect people to take your hard limits seriously if you do not enforce them when necessary.

Your hard limits are an expression of how you see the world, what you want and need from your partner and what you offer them in return. Having solidly established, clearly explained hard limits can make or break a D/s dynamic, a friendship or a workplace relationship. Make sure you have your hard limits set in stone and that your partner is clear about what they are. In a truly successful dynamic, your hard limits and your partner’s will mesh in such a way that CVs should never occur.

Please join me on #FreakyFriday, when I’ll be discussing practical limits and what to do when they are violated.

Until Friday,

Best,

Lord Unicron

Starting off too hard can kill your dynamic before it ever gets properly off the ground. Incorporating kink into your activities can be as elaborate as ropes, restraints and impact implements, or as simple as adding in erotic tickling. As with any other BDSM/kink activity, enthusiastic consent should always be obtained prior to play.

 

#FreakyFriday: The Why And What Of The Mindfuck

By Lord Unicron

On #TastyTuesday, I talked about how to set up a mindfuck scene. Today, I want to talk more about WHY a mindfuck scene can be effective in a kink sense.

NOTE: All of the following is my own personal experience with mindfucks. Your mileage may vary, and it is VITALLY important that you negotiate any new practices you want to take on with your partner, as well as understanding your partner’s physical, emotional and psychological limits. Neither I nor C&C will be responsible for your errors or any harm arising from trying anything herein for yourself!

A mindfuck is just one of many tools in a D-type’s toybox, and can be used in a number of different ways. Some of the ways I find mindfucks work well include:

• Discipline. Remember the old “Just wait till your father/mother gets home?” bit. Yeah…same idea. “No, I’m not going to take you over my knee at the family reunion, but you know what you’ve got coming.” By the time the actual discipline arrives, you’re just glad to finally be getting on with it!
• Trust-building. Saying you’re going to push, but not break, an s-type’s limits is one thing. It’s another to SHOW it. Mindfucks are great for this, because they allow you a lot of freedom to find out where the lines actually are, as opposed to where the s-type thinks they are. It also builds trust because it shows you’re true to your word.
• Sadism. I’m a sadist. This means I derive emotional and sexual gratification and arousal from the judicious, calculated, consensual infliction of pain upon another person. (When I hurt someone unintentionally, I’m a mental and emotional wreck for DAYS. Lessons learned this way hurt, but they also stick.) Asking, perfectly casually and seemingly out of nowhere, “Do you have an anal plug?” can often leave the s-type saying, “Yeahhhh…why do you ask?” “Oh, no reason.” Bullshit. I had a reason. She knows it, I know it, and she knows that I know it. Imagine the possibilities!

A truly great mindfuck doesn’t just happen. It has to be planned and orchestrated down to the last nuance. Example: A couple of months ago I had a pickup play partner who wanted a mindfuck. We started negotiating on Monday night. Each day, I added a little more to the scene, without giving her explicit instructions. When she finally arrived on Friday, I put all the elements I had been building to all week into the final scene. The result was a very satisfying scene for both of us in all senses of the word, much different and deeper than “I’m going to flog you, fuck you and send you on your way.”

Psychologically, mindfucks are terrific for reinforcing dominance and reminding the s-type of her place. They are extremely effective because they do not rely upon physical restraints or forces to any great degree. As a D-type, I regard whips, chains, floggers and ropes to be really the least important part of a D/s scene. A mindfuck done right reinforces this, because it illustrates that the s-type’s own will keeps her kneeling, makes her drink the next glass of water or put in the butt plug you commanded her to wear for your pleasure.

Emotionally, mindfucks are fantastic because they show that you, the D-type, are fully in control. This gives the s-type freedom and permission not to NEED to be. We all build up a lot of emotional and mental mud during the week, and a good mindfuck can allow her to clean off some of that through crying, orgasm or another mechanism. This also builds trust and lets her know that you are her rock, the stable fulcrum at which her emotions can batter and rage without being knocked off balance.

Pretty cool, isn’t it?

THE BEST MINDFUCK ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS TOUCHES BODY, MIND, HEART AND SPIRIT!

However, as I said on Tuesday, a mindfuck can also be devastating. In D/s relationships, we tend to dance right up to the margins of what vanilla society would consider “abuse.” Mindfucks, by their very nature, are more volatile and more dangerous than even the most brutal flogging if not scripted and acted out with EXTREME care and concern for the s-type’s safety and well-being. You can break a bone and it will heal, leaving a callus. You can accidentally draw blood with a whip and tend the wound. It may or may not leave a scar, but it will mend. When you wound someone’s mind and heart, none of this applies. There is no cast sturdy enough or ointment robust enough to help that scar over and heal. Therefore, the best way to fix that is not to NEED to in the first place.

But sometimes people screw up. I do it. You do it. EVERYONE does it.

When you screw up, the only thing you can do is own it and do your best to help your s-type through the damage. Especially if you do it in ignorance (“I didn’t know telling you ‘I’m going to rape you now’ in the context of a consensual non-consent scene was going to trigger you!”) you can be forgiven, but you’d better make damn certain you don’t repeat it! Once you do, ignorance is no longer an excuse and you’ve crossed that line from “kink” to outright abuse. An error can be forgiven. Abuse generally cannot.

Like everything else in the kink world, there is always an element of risk in creating a mindfuck. You need to know when to stop and be responsive if your s-type TELLS you to stop. D-types who look like mind readers are amazing, but I’ve got a news flash:

WE ARE NOT MIND READERS!

Therefore, the D-type needs to be alert for signs of trouble or anything that even sounds like it might be a safe word. The s-type is likewise responsible to listen to her body, mind, heart and spirit and be prepared to stop the scene before it has the chance to get out of hand. An s-type who takes what she’s given stoically and says after the fact, “That was really traumatic for me” is not doing herself or her D-type any favors, and causing as much if not more damage to the trust in the relationship than the D-type did. Not good. Not okay. Not cool. And I can’t speak for other D-types, although I know plenty who agree with this sentiment, but I will NOT keep an s-type who can’t open her mouth to say “This isn’t what I agreed to.”

Kink can be very rewarding. It can also be dangerous if it’s not done right. Always, always make sure the reward is greater than the risk for BOTH sides of the slash.

Because, after all, isn’t that why we’re here?

Until Tuesday,

Lord Unicron

The only limits on a mindfuck are the ones you and your partner impose. Adding in weighted nipple clamps can add a new dimension to predicament play or reinforce the idea that your partner’s body is yours to do with as you wish.

 

 

Freaky Friday: A Day In The Life Of A Master

by Lord Unicron

“How you keep up with all three of us is beyond me,” Kitten said to me last night on Facebook, referring to herself, Skwirly and Sparrow.

My tongue-in-cheek answer? “Phenomenal Cosmic Powers!”

But in reality, and all kidding aside, some days I don’t know either.

Polyamory sounds awesome, and in a lot of ways it is. Being a Master sounds like nearly every red-blooded American male’s fantasy, and in a lot of ways it is. (Don’t worry, male subs, I know you’re out there. Just so happens that this isn’t your part of the show.) I have THREE, count ‘em, THREE amazing women who love and care for me, and who are loved and cared for in return. I get to pamper, spoil, discipline and have my way with them more or less at my will and whim. They’ve chosen to unite under my banner, and most of the time that’s a damned heady feeling.

Yes, stalking around at the dungeon, being waited on hand and foot by women who disrobe and clothe themselves at my command, choosing which props I want to use on this woman or that tonight, is an incredible power high unto itself. Being called “Sir,” “Sire” or “Master,” depending upon the level and intensity of the relationship, is an aphrodisiac. Knowing any one of these women will gladly take anything I need to dish out in order to show their unswerving trust, loyalty and love for me borders on the line between ecstatic euphoria and heartbreaking pain.

And then there’s the other side of it.

Consider that I, as Head and Lord of House Unicron, have three different women. That’s three different sets of personalities, feelings, needs, issues, triggers, physical problems and desires to manage and keep straight all in one place at one time. (Said place being my head.) That’s three very dynamic, strong women to command and control, because I am stern enough to weed out weakness or “doormats” pretty much immediately. “Surrender of the weak is no prize,” Master Cavalier told me more than once, and he was absolutely right. This also means that some days I have to deal with three different iterations of recalcitrant, bratty, bitchy or just outright belligerent behavior stemming from illness, poor sleep, a bad day or just waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

Now consider that not only do I have to manage all that from three separate people. I also must manage my relationship with each of them and their relationships with one another and the House as a whole. This increases the level of difficulty geometrically until some days I feel like I’m playing relationship Russian roulette on god mode. (If you’ve never played God of War, you may not get the reference.) Instead of

1 + 1 +1 +1 = 4

the math actually goes more like

x+x+x+x = x+2x+7x+15x=1

where each additional person increases the level of complication by their integer, and the net result is (or should be) a single, united House. The reason for this is not because I’m calling my girls “complications.” If I really felt that way about them, they would not remain.

I start with my relationship to myself, x. Now here comes Skwirly. There is now our relationship, her relationship with herself and my relationship with myself, so total of 3x.

Sparrow adds another degree of complexity, because there is her relationship to herself, her relationship to me, her relationship to Skwirly, the other people’s relationships with her and the relationship to this gestalt thing that we have created, thus an additional 4x for a total of 7x.

Now Kitten enters the equation and has her own x, plus her relationship to me, plus her relationship with Skwirly, plus her relationship with Sparrow, plus her relationship to the House as a whole. Then each of the other three relationships must be viewed from the other side and in relation to themselves as unique people as well, bringing us to 15x.

Imagine, if you dare, having a fourth added into the mix. I get a nosebleed and need to lie down for a solid hour in a dark room until the swimming sensation in my head passes just from trying to even attempt the calculations!

The “1” in this equation is the entire point  and purpose of the exercise: a whole, unified House that moves in concert under one person’s direction and guidance. In this paradigm, that person is me. However, I am bound even more heavily than my girls are, because of the nature of my position.

As Head, Lord, Master, Dom, etc., my primary task is to make sure my girls feel safe and secure physically, mentally and emotionally. This means I need to be equally ready to dispense a gentle embrace, reasoned advice, encouragement, empathy, stern commands or anything else the situation may call for. That’s a full-time job in itself!

My next task is that of arbiter and lawmaker. The rules of House Unicron are based on common sense, consideration, respect for oneself and the other members of the House and an ongoing commitment to ensuring that my girls are made more, not less, by their association with me and my House. This means that I must serve as the ideal example for the rules I set, because if I don’t live by the code of conduct I have laid out, I have NO business ordering them to. I have to be scrupulously firm, fair and consistent in my dealings, ensuring that my girls all get more or less equal time, attention and care. I cannot let the hand with which I wield the authority they have invested in me get too heavy or my ego or temper (both of which I freely confess I possess rather more than my fair share of) get the better of my judgment. I must be patient, which I admit has never been one of my strong suits, especially when my temper is aroused.

Finally, I must dispense both rewards and discipline as per the rules. I cannot, do not and will not give discipline when I am angry or upset, nor do I reward bad behavior. Therefore, I am in a constant state of evaluation of my girls and their relative conduct both in public and private, to address their actions appropriately and at a time and place propitious to doing so. Brattiness and joking around are one thing in the car or in private, but in public, particularly in the kink scene, I have very little (read: zero) tolerance for that. In public, my House moves as one. My word is law and that’s that for that. Thus any public show of defiance is dealt with far more harshly than a similar slip behind closed doors. Equally, when my girls behave in a way that I find especially pleasing, I must ensure they receive a reward commensurate with my pleasure.

Does this sound like a lot of work?

I can assure you it is. My day normally starts between 8 and 9am, and between vanilla life, prosaic matters such as work and dealing with my own needs and wants, it’s a rare night when I’m in bed before the next day has officially started, and my girls are usually in bed and asleep or on final approach to it well before I am. As the Head of my House, I don’t get “days off.” I’m NEVER fully “off the clock,” even when I’m sleeping.

It’s a hell of a LOT of work!

But you know what else it is?

It’s probably the most fulfilling, satisfying job I’ve ever had. Watching three strong, willful, beautiful women grow into more confident, self-loving, powerful, sensual beings under my guidance and care is such a uniquely powerful feeling that I can compare it to nothing else I’ve ever known in my life. To see these same women kneel before me because they find me worthy of such adulation makes all the work well worthwhile. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t do it. The dungeons, munches, kink events and play parties I attend with my girls is my reward for all the juggling, balancing, patience and effort I put into managing my House. The nights where I order my girls to transform (that’s “strip,” to you) for anything I may choose to do to them and they do it without question or hesitation are the nights I get to blow off steam and unleash my wolf for a while. Sometimes my wolf looks more like one of these little guys…

 

What…you thought being a Master was all whips and chains?

…but that’s another story.

Sure, every so often I declare a day to recharge my batteries and restock my supply of spoons. These are the days I catch up on my reading, do completely non-BDSM, non-House-related things and trust that everyone else, being grown adults who managed to make it to their respective ages without my assistance and input, can surely make it through one day without me constantly on their asses about this and that. Of course, even then I watch carefully for emails or texts or phone calls that warn me something is amiss to such a degree that my “me time” needs to take a backseat to the emergency du jour. Those days are especially pleasant because they are so rare and thus valuable.

And you know something?

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Thank you very much for coming by. I hope you found this post enlightening and entertaining. I would love to hear your comments and opinions on what your typical day is like as a D-type, or if you’re an s-type, how does your D-type deal with these responsibilities? And please don’t forget to come by Tuesday, when I’ll be talking about how (and why) to give a proper erotic spanking!

Warmly,

Lord Unicron

I’ve always believed that the best chains exist in the mind and heart. Once these are forged, physical restraints become largely unnecessary. Still, sometimes there’s no substitute for some good, old-fashioned rope! If you don’t have any, you should have some in your toy bag, and you rope aficionados already know there’s no such thing as too much. Click here to start or enhance your rope play kit!